Government introduces age verification so it can monitor your porn habits and censor Gaza
The government has reassured the public there is nothing sinister about age verification, it just wants to keep a record of every porn site you've ever visited. Relax! The people who are losing your data one minute, and selling it to corporations the next, would never misuse your most sensitive information! You can always trust your government...
Age verification laws have come into effect in the UK and are also being trialled in some EU countries; the rest of the EU will soon follow, along with Australia. Excitingly, these countries have come together to build the world's largest masturbation database.
While your leaders could have opted for a one-time verification at the device or browser level, they chose to verify your age at the site level so you must do this over and over again. This is the most convenient and least intrusive way they could have done this.
As a sensible, law abiding adult, I'm sure you will be comfortable having your face scanned and your credit card details and email contacts recorded whenever you want an, ahem, private moment with your laptop. Only people who have something to hide would refuse to have their face scanned while they wank.
Starmer might have U-turned on every manifesto promise he made, but now he is fulfilling the manifesto promise he never made: a mass surveillance masturbation state! This is sure to help him in the polls.
Coincidentally, it's not just your wanking habits that have been impacted by age verification, your exposure to political content has been greatly limited. Social media platforms are giving millions of users the message that they cannot view certain posts until their age has been verified. This means people can no longer view posts about Gaza.
Obviously, this is to protect the children, not the war criminals, you conspiracy theorist! Why would you assume war criminals have an ulterior motive when they say they are protecting children? It's not like these people lie all the fucking time about everything!
Age verification has so far been a roaring success because it has saved zero children, and not only do we have an excuse to hide what's happening in Gaza, we have an ever-growing database of kompromat to bring down our political opponents. Isn't this clever?
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What a glorious future awaits us! Freedom to know that our government knows all our little perversions, all our tiny steps from the paths of virtue, all those stray movements we made in our youth and our prime, in our family life and in our old age, seen and recorded, labelled and archived for future historians to study and write books to fill libraries. Books for our great grandchildren to read, study, and discuss. To do their PhDs on. "I did mine on my great grandmother's love of cunnilingus". "Really? My great uncle focussed all his life on his under age nieces." May the archangels forgive us.....or the climate emergency overtake us before we get there.
Oh god can we just go back to days before the internet stuff...I mean it's so out of hand now, no pun intended.
I suspect this is more about shutting people up who oppose war mongers and genosadists, and who want to voice their concerns, horror and devastation at what's being perpetrated in full view of the internet, instead of the faux outrage of the so called media. Nice to know we are all in the safe hands of the ToryLabcons in London and beyond.
Yikes!