Government magically un-loses incriminating Boris Johnson diaries
This was definitely not an attempted coverup
Recently, the government lost all of Boris Johnson’s diaries and WhatsApp messages that could’ve incriminated him at the Covid inquiry. This was unfortunate because, as everyone knows, transparency is extremely important to our government.
It’s such a shame the Tories keep accidentally losing documents that could land them in trouble with the law, such as the thousands of documents from the national archives that flushed themselves down the toilet, and all the files lost in 2014 about the Tory paedophile ring in the 1980s.
Imagine being as keen on law and order as Suella Braverman’s party and constantly destroying, I mean losing evidence. It’s so embarrassing, especially considering most of this took place before Suella had bullied her predecessor out of a job so it’s hardly her fault.
Ex-prime minister Rishi Sunak, who recently came third in a Turing test behind Mark Zuckerberg and Chat GPT, was accused of helping the other ex-prime minister in a “cover-up”, but the Rishbot furiously denied this, insisting: “100100110101000010000010010011010010011110.” Powerful stuff.
Prime Minister Braverman removed the USB stick from Rishi’s neck, powered him down and kicked him down the stairs, then she added: “Just because the government had previously refused to hand the documents over, does not mean it was highly convenient that we lost them.” I find it hard to disagree with her logic.
Suella insisted the 24 notebooks the government did not have were “unambiguously irrelevant” because a team of lawyers (me and Boris) had carefully reviewed them, even though we didn’t know where they were. This was a totally legit explanation.
FYI Prime Minister Braverman has changed the law so anyone who accuses the government of an attempted coverup on social media can be arrested because that would be as absurd as accusing the government of “attempted fascism” for failing to send people to Rwanda. It’s either bad if they do it or good if they don’t - you can’t have it both ways, lefties.
Fortunately, the diaries were recovered after Dilyn the dog vomited them up and the WhatsApp messages were recovered after we figured out how to scroll up with the help of a team of forensic analysts.
This un-losing of documents followed days of frantic telephone calls which included me having a very awkward conversation with my ex. I told him in no uncertain terms those documents had better not contain any mention of me because the last thing I want to be part of is a media circus.
To be safe, I met with Boris in a quiet café in London to go through everything because knowing that dumb-arse, he’d scribble out my name with crayon and write “Carrie” beside it and hope no one noticed.
Our meeting included awkward small talk about how the fake babies are doing and I insisted I’m not bitter about how things turned out because I didn’t want that bastard feeling smug, but he was actually the opposite.
At one point, he tearily told me Carrie makes him sleep in the garden with the gnomes and tried to stroke my leg so I slapped his hand away and called the pretty young barista over to distract him.
While Boris pestered the unfortunate barista, I carefully went through his diaries and could not believe the nonsense they contained. For someone so fond of lawbreaking and generally misbehaving, that idiot diarises everything, including every waitress he’s ever harassed and all the toilets he’s snorted cocaine in.
Obviously, I didn’t care about any of that, but I did care about the stories that mentioned me. For example, there was the time he grabbed Michael Gove by the tie in the Downing Street corridor and tried to get off with him because he was so drunk, he mistook Michael for me and I’m still offended by this. There was also the time he peed himself in a (real) work meeting and texted me so I would come into the room and walk next to him so nobody could see his trousers as he snuck out. It didn’t work though and everyone was laughing about him for days.
I honestly don’t know why he felt the need to crayon all that stuff in his diaries, but to be honest, I’m impressed he even managed to keep diaries, given the rate at which he eats crayons and gets them stuck up his nose.
Anyways, I expertly tore out all the pages that mentioned me and insisted nobody would notice because I don’t give a shit if he gets in trouble as long as I don’t. I then told him we should leave all mention of “work meetings” that involved a karaoke machine and assured him everything would be totally fine. He’s so gullible.
When I’d finished trawling through the diaries, I had the task of scrolling through his WhatsApps and it wasn’t too bad until I came to the nude selfie that Mark François accidentally shared in our propaganda group which scarred everyone who saw it (some of us had to go to counselling). Obviously, I deleted that selfie, otherwise we could go to jail for traumatising the inquiry.
Once I’d covered my own back, I assured Boris the diaries had been heavily redacted and everything would be smooth sailing, but he was worried about giving evidence at the inquiry so I advised him to get drunk and flirt with the chairwoman, Baroness Hallett, and if in doubt, slur some Latin to impress the panel because that always works.
Anyways, the inquiry officially starts on 13th June 2023 at 10.00am and will be screened live on pay-per-view on the BBC so get your popcorn ready x
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Where does the truth end and satire begin?