Government reassures public only lefties impacted by voter ID laws

Only young and poor people are likely to be stopped from voting

You are probably unaware that local elections are coming up in May because let’s be honest, who gives a crap about local elections? Not anyone with a life, that’s for sure!

Anyways, the staff who will be running these local elections that no one cares about are whining they could be “overwhelmed” by bureaucracy and complaints on polling day. This is because of the new rule that requires voters to present photographic identification before casting their vote. This rule is obviously necessary because we’ve had almost as many cases of voter fraud in the last five years as we’ve had prime ministers.

Leftie sympathising staff are complaining the new rules are “too strict” and the public has not been sufficiently informed about the changes, meaning well over a million voters are likely to be disenfranchised. Election experts have described the rules as a “solution in search of a problem” and a “sledgehammer to crack a nut”. The Electoral Reform Society (which is part of the anti-growth coalition) says voter impersonation on a large enough scale to influence an election would “require levels of organisation that would be easy to spot and prevent”.

This information could seem concerning to people who are idiots so the government has explained they’ve taken careful steps to ensure forms of ID that older voters are more likely to own will definitely be accepted. For example, over-60s Oyster cards will be permitted but not younger people’s Oyster cards. Isn’t this brilliant? Democracy should only be for people who think like me and finally, we have a government that understands this.

As we all know, every single old person is a Tory (apart from a tiny handful of leftie traitors who all decent people shun) and this means the new rules are skewed in favour of the Conservative Party. Rishi Sunak is optimistic this vote-rigging will help his party win about nine seats this May (two up from the previously predicted seven).

Only 21,300 out of two million people who need government ID have applied for it so far and only 6% of those are under 25. This means the unwashed university students and unemployed riffraff who spend all week picking their noses and watching daytime TV will not have any democratic representation. Obviously, anyone who watches Lorraine Kelly should have no say about who leads our country.

Brilliantly, the government has tightened the rules since the voter ID trials in 2019. During these trials, people were allowed to use polling cards and other forms of ID that will no longer be accepted. Therefore many people will assume they have adequate ID when they don’t!

It’s going to be really funny when some council estate idiot who definitely can’t read drags themselves to the voting booth in a tracksuit they’ve worn for three days and gets told, “Sorry, voting is not for the likes of you anymore”. It’s like gentrification for polling stations!

Personally, I would just ban people in tracksuits from coming within one hundred yards of a polling station, but if we did that, they probably couldn’t read the warning signs anyway, so what would be the point?

Still, over a million of them have been shut out of our democracy and this has to count as the Tory Party’s biggest (and some would say only) success to date x

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