Government reducing NHS queues by not letting you see a doctor

This is an ingenious move

If you’re one of the 7 million people worried you are going to die waiting for hospital treatment, I have exciting news: the government is offering you the chance to skip the NHS queue like Catherine and Charles by not using the NHS!

Instead, you will be given the highest quality treatment at the exclusive London Clinic, I mean, um, sorry, you will actually be visiting your local pharmacist who I’m sure is lovely but also hopelessly under-qualified.

Sadly, we no longer have enough doctors and we’re trying hard to make the ones we do have quit by making their working conditions unbearable. Once they’ve quit, they will unfortunately be impossible to replace unless we privatise the NHS. The government was unable to explain how poorer countries like Cuba are able to produce more doctors than we do, they just can and we don’t want to.

Thankfully, the government has announced it can cut down on GP waiting times by not letting you see a GP at all. Instead, you will visit your local Boots and explain the embarrassing ins and outs of your urinary tract infection while fifty people queue behind you, and if all goes well, you won’t have to strip naked for an examination. They’ll just prescribe you a random medicine and hope for the best. It’s hoped this approach will reduce strain on the NHS by reducing the British population by 23%.

In another exciting announcement, people waiting for therapy are getting the opportunity to talk with the homeless guy who spends all day drunk on the park bench because we can all use an ear sometimes. This compassionate move is expected to reduce the number of people who are suicidal by giving them a map to the local bridge.

So far, I’ve heard only positive things about these exciting new treatment options and I’m sure they will be a smash hit with the public.

I was going to catch up with Peter, 44, after he had an operation on a rectal prolapse, but unfortunately, Peter died because the pharmacist had never used a scalpel and accidentally gave him breast implants and too much anaesthetic. Peter might no longer be with us, but the important thing is he beat the NHS queue because people die in NHS queues. At least this way, the government can say NHS queues are coming down and that makes them look better. Peter’s sacrifice has not been in vain.

The prime minister would like to assure you that although he’s destroyed your option of receiving quality NHS care while you’re still alive, he’s taken the tough decisions to fix the economy, which is why mortgages are so high that government ministers on £118,000 are quitting to find a higher paid job.

If you’re on less than £118,000, you’ve got absolutely no chance of paying your mortgage, but let’s be honest, no one who counts is earning less than £118,000, are they? x

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