Happy New Year!

Happy new year, everyone! I hope your 2025 was as at least as brilliant as mine! That is probably the lowest possible bar, but I’m sure most of you couldn’t get over it…

My 2025 started with my son being diagnosed with a serious illness, but we’ve got Ezra fairly stable now so thanks to everyone who has been asking.

While almost everything has been grim these past 12 months, one thing you can’t deny is I’ve kept things entertaining as the world disintegrates around us. Who else would you want commentary from as humanity does such a good job of self-destructing that 3i Atlas didn’t even bother with its invasion?

2025 is the exciting year when the technology no one wanted transformed our lives for the worse as it was put into literally everything without our consent and will soon collapse the economy because the huge investments into it are unsustainable. On the plus side, those massive data centres have poisoned our water supplies and made energy even more expensive. Also, AI is about six months from turning into Skynet so that’s going to be fun…

It’s reasonable to say we’ve seen our fair share of scandals over this past year. For example, the BBC caused outrage by letting Palestinian children tell the truth about what Israel is doing to them. Gaza: How to Survive a Warzone might have been pulled from iPlayer but not before the damage had been done. The scandal caused a huge, and possibly irreversible, level of sympathy for Gaza’s children.

Israel was so upset with the BBC that it responded in the most rational way possible: it started starving Palestinians all over again. Due to a worrying number of children clinging to life, Israel has now decided to ban all humanitarian organisations, including Doctors Without Borders, from entering Gaza because they are all terrorists. It is paying influencers $7,000 a post to pretend this is okay so shout out to all those who have sold their souls.

Throughout the year, Israel has bravely defended itself from wave after wave of aid ships carrying terrorist items such as baby formula to Gaza. When it apprehended one terrorist group, it understandably stripped and tortured their leader, Greta Thunberg, and raped one of her friends. Served ‘em right for not releasing the hostages…

Less the two weeks later, there were awkward scenes when Hamas did, in fact, release all of the hostages. Israel had no excuse to keep killing Palestinians so it faked a ceasefire and continued killing them regardless.

In heartwarming news, the British government decided that the culling should not be confined to Gaza. Not content with introducing euthanasia and taking out every safeguard that was initially in the bill, it drew up proposals to force disabled people to work or die.

Even better, the plans would mean any disabled person under the age of 22 couldn’t claim disability benefits full stop. I can’t wait to tell Ezra that Keir Starmer thinks he is a scrounger. Obviously, Ezra’s disability won’t start until he is 22, and until then, he can fucking well get a job. I mean he is only one year old, but he needs to learn some life skills…

No one can disagree that the police were kept busy in 2025. They spent the whole year rounding up retired vicars and blind people in wheelchairs in the biggest crackdown on terrorism in British history. The 1,700 Grantifa terrorists they captured have a combined body count of zero, but to be fair, they supported Palestine Action which also has a body count of zero.

Obviously, the population needs to be kept under control so the government has introduced age verification. This helps it monitor all of your online activity, including your porn habits, in a move that has saved zero children, but might just save our leaders from the ICC. The public has this weird habit of holding our politicians to account, but if we get to grips with social media now, we can put a stop to this madness. The people who are speaking out are definitely the problem…

Thanks to social media, politics is getting weird. There was huge confusion in Westminster when a man with principles became leader of a political party. We still haven’t figured out what we are going to do with Zack Polanski, but I hope it’s painful. Ditto for Zohran Mamdani. If you didn’t know, New York elected a mayor who is brown and Muslim and therefore a terrorist. I hope Bari Weiss beats the shit out of him.

One of the most disturbing aspects of 2025 has been the political violence from the left who have done despicable things such as objecting to genocide and being framed for crimes they never committed.

All of us were devastated when Charlie Kirk was assassinated exactly as he predicted to his friends, but obviously, that was just a coincidence. There was no need for an investigation so the murder scene was paved over before Erika had even popped open the Champagne.

Strangely, no one believed the story Kash Patel made up to cover for Israel and conspiracy theorists ran amok. Things got so strange that even Candace Owens found a conscience—something that will be studied by scientists for years to come.

The inspirational Erika Kirk mourned her husband by performing “All the single ladies” by Beyonce in sparkly pants, just 45 minutes after his death. She even came out to fireworks. It was the greatest grieving I’ve ever seen. Since then, Erika has appeared on every podcast in the universe and done countless TV interviews while carefully remembering to dab her eyes. I will never understand why the internet makes fun of this woman…

If 2025 will be remembered for one thing, it is the staggering insensitivity of the left towards the world’s nicest people. For example, Louis Theroux caused outrage when he put a camera in front of Israelis and let them speak for themselves so the world could see what their actual opinions are. Suddenly, it became clear why our politicians are so fucking afraid of them…

Not everyone is intimidated as easily as our politicians though. A group called Bob Vylan somehow got away with chanting “death, death to the IDF” and ended up topping the charts, despite Lisa Nandy doing everything in her power to cancel them. Nandy was so mad that she almost ended the BBC for airing Bob Vylan’s Glastonbury set, as well as a string of other controversies, such as the Gaza documentary and Gary fucking Lineker.

In her determination to defend Israel, Nandy publicly shat her pants several times, including at one point deciding it was antisemitic of police to not allow Israeli football hooligans into Birmingham and lying to parliament about their rationale for doing so. It was all a bit embarrassing so let’s just pretend that never happened…

At least we finally got rid of Gary Lineker who was fired from the BBC for his sickening opposition to genocide. To date, no one has been fired for their pro-genocide views, or any conservative views for that matter, showing the BBC is not completely lost.

If you think things are messy in the UK, I can assure you they are just as bad in the US where children’s entertainer Ms Rachel was identified as the new leader of Hamas. Months later, she is still at large, spreading her hatred on social media by singing nursery rhymes to injured children. The fucking monster.

It might have become fashionable to be kind to child amputees, but there were at least some glimpses of light in the darkness. The world got nicer for 11 blissful minutes when Jeff Bezos fired Katy Perry into space, but in an unfortunate mix up, she was sadly allowed to return. Even worse, everyone forgot to put on their ape costumes when she got out of the spaceship. Talk about a missed opportunity…

One man who did not miss his opportunity was Prince Andrew. The woman he paid £13 million, despite having never met her, died in non-suspicious circumstances after surviving a car crash and being suicided during her recovery.

Reassuringly, the Met’s Epstein investigation concluded that Andrew is not a paedophile, although his “prince” title was taken away for unknown reasons. Perhaps it was something to do with the emails he sent Ghislaine Maxwell asking for “inappropriate friends”. I guess we’ll never know…

Ghislaine Maxwell surprised everyone by not committing suicide after Trump moved her to a nicer cell and considered pardoning her because he is just that nice. Things got really exciting when he took us tantalisingly close to World War III to prevent the Epstein files from coming out. He illegally bombed Iranian nuclear sites, blew up Venezuelan fishermen, lost a trade war that he started with China…

2025 was the year we discovered a missing minute in the Epstein footage, and other evidence of tampering, that only a conspiracy theorist would be suspicious about. I think we can all agree that we would want no one other than Kash Patel working on this…

Sadly, Trump’s noble mission to cover up the truth is not going as planned and those Epstein files are being released in the greatest redaction frenzy in human history. The files that have come out so far are enough to prove Trump is a paedophile because DOGE cancelled the DOJ’s Adobe Premier subscription and this messed up the redactions process. In a medical breakthrough, this has astonishingly caused Andrew to regain the ability to sweat. Oops.

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