Here is everything that is going in the world right now

This is at least 46% accurate

Hello everyone, while I have been going through a tough time, it has been easy for me to forget you have been going through a tough time too.

Obviously, you have missed me terribly and you currently have no idea what is going on in the world because I am your only news source. As a result, you’ve been staring out of the window, tearily counting down the seconds until my return.

While I don’t have any personal updates for you, I have spent the last 15 minutes researching recent events to give you a thorough breakdown about what is going on in the world. Here is everything that you need to know and I can assure you this information is at least 46% accurate, not that I’m bragging or anything.

First of all, you probably have no idea, especially if you are American, but the US has just crowned its latest, greatest ever president. The new president is a TV host called Donald Trump, and by an amazing coincidence, he has the same name as the last greatest ever president who was also called… Donald Trump. (I’m unclear if they’re the same person or if the US has one of those facilities that we have in the UK where every prime minister is cloned from Margaret Thatcher’s toe nail clippings. I’ll let you know when I have an update from my science correspondent.)

Anyway, this latest President Trump immediately caused controversy by unbanning TikTok after deciding it’s not a national security threat, after all, and also ending a genocide - this is not the American way.

Many Americans are worried that Trump might become one of those peace-loving extremists, but the president assures us he is preparing to nuke Tehran and send transgender people to a prison island near Antarctica. I understand these policies are among the things the president put in his big list of executive orders, but I couldn’t be arsed to double-check. Other things I believe were included in that list are as follows:

• Unmarried pregnant women are to be chained to a radiator until they give birth, at which point they must accept forced marriage or forced adoption

• The US will press forward with plans to move the Panama Canal to Greenland for national security reasons because it is too cold for the Chinese there

• Any foreigner who wears a keffiyeh or says “free Palestine” will be deported because if you want to live in the US, you must side with the country that controls it

• We will finally get disclosure that aliens assassinated JFK, but the killers are to be given presidential pardons for diplomatic reasons (they have really big lasers)

• Trump will solve child hunger by making child labour mandatory for kids from low income families who fall into school lunch debt, but it’s unclear if those children will be whipped

The Democrats have conceded they have no choice but to shift further right and match all of Trump’s policies, but also, those policies are bad when Trump does them. The Democrats promise to do child labour respectably and say they will nuke Moscow rather than Tehran. They insist anyone who doesn’t understand they’re the lesser evil is a “fucking idiot” and it’s their fault Trump won.

Anyway, that’s enough negativity, Trump’s coronation was brilliant and included all of your favourite people, such as Tucker Carlson, Jeff Zuckerberg, Mark Bezos, Javier Milei, and the Paul brothers (who are the US version of the Chuckle brothers). Vice President Elon Musk was so excited at the coronation that he performed a Nazi salute and promptly ejaculated. Thankfully, the ADL explained it is not anti-Semitic to ejaculate while performing a Nazi salute, but it’s better to do it in the privacy of your own home.

It’s worth pointing out that Elon spontaneously contracted Asperger’s Syndrome right before his little moment of excitement. I remember the time I caught ADHD from an immigrant who brushed passed me and I felt an immediate compulsion to wear KKK robes. If you criticise me for this, it’s you who is doing a hate crime. Leave me and Elon alone, you fascist.

Surprisingly, it was not just the coronation where the excitement was happening. There were, in fact, other things going on in the world, my favourite being this doozy:

Fears that AI could one day become sentient and turn against humanity were shown to be unfounded when Google’s AI generously offered to join forces with the IDF and help it pick targets in Gaza. This has reassured everyone that we are definitely not heading for a Dystopian future ruled by SkyNet.

While no one was more upset than Google Vertex about the ceasefire, there was understandable concern among the Israeli population that the body count was too low. Therefore, Netanyahu told Smotrich he could go into the West Bank with a giant bulldozer and squish all the civilians he likes. That roar of laughter you can hear is him having the time of his life.

Sensibly, the only democracy in the Middle East has passed a law that would imprison anyone who questions the October 7th narrative. Meanwhile in the US, two journalists were dragged away by security for challenging Dark Lord Blinken on his role in the genocide because you’re only allowed to do that from a supportive standpoint.

You will be pleased to hear the British government is also cracking down on opposition to the war machine. It has been sending counter-terrorism police to catch all of the candidates who ran against Labour as independents and almost won. Hopefully, this will send a message that you don’t dare manipulate elections by opposing genocide, you monsters.

It’s not just political opponents that the British government has been dealing with though. Excitingly, it has solved the cost of living crisis… by vowing to take away the driving licences of poor people. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but every time a poor person drives, the price of Pot Noodles increases by 1.5p. I would love to tell you all the other things the government is doing to tackle the cost of living crisis, but unfortunately, the driving licence thing is their only policy, so you’d better hope Starmer doesn’t U-turn on it… too late, he already has…

Anyway, that’s literally everything that is going on in the world right now. I shall be sure to give you a personal update when I have something concrete, but at present, we’re still waiting on test results and I would rather not say more. Thank you for bearing with me, normal service shall resume the moment I have good news x

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