Everyone was stunned when Charlie Kirk's killer turned out to not be a transgender Islamist-Marxist, not least the people who wanted an excuse to start a civil war and murder every politician, activist, and commentator they disagree with.
We now know the identity of the assassin because the FBI told us, and the FBI is never wrong about these things (apart from those two times when it arrested the wrong guy, but let's just forget that ever happened).
Anyways, the FBI has confirmed the suspect is a nice white boy called Tyler Robinson who comes from a good Christian family who are registered Republicans. Turns out Tyler is straight so we can't even blame his sexual orientation... or his gender identity... or his skin colour... or his religion... or the woke professors.
Not gonna lie, I'm so fucking mad! If the FBI was gonna set someone up, why couldn't they make it a radical leftist with blue hair and pronouns in their bio? This. Ruins. Everything.
Anyways, I'm privy to the full details of the murder and I'm sure you will agree it is surprisingly plot hole free so I'm not gonna question it. This means there is nothing else to do but send thoughts and prayers to Charlie's donors and channel our rage in another direction.
The events on that fateful day unfolded as follows:
The killer entered the Utah Valley university campus at 8.29am on 10 September 2025. The university has 1,600 security cameras and not one of them caught him with his 48-inch Mauser 98 .30-06 bolt-action rifle equipped with a mounted scope. However, they did catch him wearing multiple outfits... and several different faces (rubber masks are getting surprisingly sophisticated these days).
The assassin shot Charlie from a rooftop two hundred yards away, moments after two guys gave totally innocuous hand signals. He pulled off the assassination with a single shot. Not bad for a mild mannered 22-year-old who was scared of using his dad's hunting rifles.
While the shooter was making his escape, an old guy kindly pretended he was the killer, acting as the perfect decoy. Someone else also acted like they were the killer, causing much confusion and leading to police arresting two suspects who were later released without charge (presumably acting as a decoy during a murder is not a crime in the US).
CCTV footage showed the killer jumping off the rooftop and running into the woods without his enormous rifle. However, police were grateful to later find the gun wrapped in a towel in a huge box in the woods. As you can imagine, this made their job so much easier.
Conspiracy theorists thought it was strange that the gun was able to teleport into the woods until the FBI explained what actually happened:
It turns out the killer changed his clothes, climbed onto the roof with a disassembled gun, reassembled the gun, carried out a single shot assassination, disassembled the gun again, changed his clothes again, put half the gun into his trousers and half into his backpack, fled the scene and then reassembled the gun and left it in the woods. The killer was even kind enough to leave engravings on the bullets that suggest he is a "groyper".
Now I had no idea what a groyper is until about two hours ago, but just know they are mortal enemies of Charlie Kirk and if you upset them, they will dox the shit out of you! I am excited to say I am now a massive groyper so don't fuck with me, okay?
The FBI confirmed the killer planned the attack with his friends on Discord, but when Discord said no such conversation had taken place on their servers, and the FBI was asked why no additional arrests had been made, they explained the killer had acted alone. This is not suspicious in any way.
As you can see, this is now an open and shut case, and as the suspect is demographically inoffensive, we can't use his identity to fuel a culture war so it is sadly time to move on.
In other news, I would like to congratulate Ben Shapiro on becoming the new leader of Turning Point USA and returning it to its rightful place as an unquestioning servant of Israel x
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Well it's a relief it's so straight forward.😉 Makes the workload do much easier for all!🤨
Thanks Laura 😄
Thank you, Laura for this completely logical explanation and for the not-at-all-related “other news”. Without your brilliant analyses, my life in the US wouldn’t make any sense at all. 🙃