Heroic Donald Trump confirms he was only at Epstein Island to save the girls

The cynical among you assumed President Trump is panicking that Thomas Massie could secure the release of the Epstein files, but you are wrong. The president is so humble, he did not want you to know the truth: he was the one who saved those girls.

Trump has confirmed the reality of the situation through House Speaker Mike Johnson, but sensibly asked the FBI to not corroborate the story. The truth is as follows:

Trump cunningly built up a relationship with sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein in the late 1980s by convincing the deceased Mossad agent he too was a paedophile. Together, they held swimsuit contests for thirteen-year-old girls where they were the only men in attendance.

To get further into the role, Trump would walk into dressing rooms at beauty pageants and gawp at undressed girls. He would even grab random women by the pussy, but only for their protection. Presumably, this was the reason he sexually abused E. Jean Carroll and generously gave her lots of money.

Please understand that any despicable things Trump might have done were purely because he was in character. This was self-sacrifice for the greater good.

The girls at Epstein Island were so grateful for the heroic interventions of Trump that they would refer to him as “Super Don” or “Magic Mushroom”. So awestruck were they by their saviour that some would pass out when they spotted him and Trump didn’t even use Rohypnol. What happened next was witnessed only by Epstein’s hidden cameras.

Trump went to all this effort so he could inform the FBI of the terrible things that Epstein was doing. Trump was so committed to the role that he continued it for years longer than necessary and pretended the Epstein files were an “Obama hoax” to maintain his cover.

Trump might just be the greatest undercover agent of all time, but obviously, he is not one to brag. Being such a humble man, Trump did not want to take credit for saving the girls of Epstein Island, so when Thomas Massie tried to out him as the hero of the story, he threatened his fellow Republicans. He also blew up a boat-load of innocent Venezuelans to act as a distraction.

Trump’s efforts to save the girls have so far resulted in zero prosecutions, and Epstein’s victims keep dying in unusual circumstances, but at least Ghislaine Maxwell got moved to a cosier cell. There is hope she could yet be given a presidential pardon, avoiding the usual route of mysterious suicide.

I’m sure you will agree that I have demonstrated Trump is every bit as innocent as Prince Andrew and anyone who argues otherwise is a conspiracy theorist x

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