Huge confusion in UK as man with principles becomes leader of political party

In a hugely jarring moment for the establishment, a man with principles has won the leadership of the Green Party and unveiled outrageous plans to do the right thing. A crestfallen Adrian Ramsay and Ellie Chowns are baffled as to why their strategy of offering nothing and talking to Green members like they are children didn't work.

Zack Polanski won the Green leadership contest with a concerning 84% of the vote, proving he is the Assad of British politics. Perhaps we can launch a coup while there is still time and replace him with someone more moderate, like a former Al Qaida leader, for example.

Among Polanski's most chilling opinions are that he thinks genocide is wrong, climate destruction is a bad idea, water should be nationalised, children should not go hungry, trans people count as human beings, immigrants should not be turned into cattle feed, and your boss should be turned into cattle feed.

Worryingly, Zack Polanski appears to be the first gay leader of a political party in the UK. I haven't been this disgusted since Kemi Badenoch became the first bl... I mean Nigerian woman to lead the Tories.

Naturally, we have been trying to come up with a good smear for Zack Polanski just like we did with Jeremy Corbyn. The best we've got so far is that 12 years ago he worked as a hypnotist and tried to boost the confidence of a woman who was insecure about her cup size. Strangely, that smear isn't working so well, but we've still got time.

Just know that we have no choice but to attack Zack because he wants to represent YOU! Obviously that cannot be tolerated. It is the job of people like me to tell you what is best for you. That is the way it has always been. Why are you not listening any more?

When we kicked Jeremy Corbyn out of Labour, we thought we'd put a stop to this sort of thing, but horrifyingly, Corbyn is setting up his own party, meaning we are facing the prospect of not one but two principled leaders. Three, if you count Zarah Sultana. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Disturbingly, Polanski has announced that he would be happy to work with Your Party, particularly on the Gaza Tribunal that aims to hold our leaders accountable for their war crimes. Polanski went even further, saying the Greens are not here to work with Labour, but to replace them. Surely, that is illegal!

The UK constitution states that Labour must pretend to represent the British left and the Greens must pretend to represent those lefties who can see through that shit. What we have now is an almighty mess. At the next election, people are going to have... meaningful choice.

Until now, our vibrant democracy offered three choices of "everything is the fault of immigrants" and a couple of alternatives who weren't remotely serious about power. It seems those days are gone.

The establishment is panicking so badly that Keir Starmer has announced he paints crosses on roundabouts on weekends and even shouts at hotels to prove he is a man of the people. Yvette Cooper went even further, announcing she only uses Union Jack toilet paper and wants to pack all immigrants into warehouses.

You would think that would be enough to win over any self-respecting Brit, but shockingly, people say they can see through performative bullshit and are only interested in meaningful policies. I don't know how to break this to you, but I think the era of neoliberalism might be over. I can't stop crying x

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