Huge pay rises coming for the most deserving workers in the country: politicians

I'm sure this makes you feel better, doesn't it?

Thanks to Rachel Reeves’ ruthless cuts, which include reducing disability allowance, treating disabled people like scroungers and forcing them to look for work, you will be delighted to hear politicians have found enough money to give themselves a £2,558 pay rise! These second homes aren’t gonna pay for themselves, ya know? … What’s that? Those second homes literally do pay for themselves? Oh, never mind, forget I said anything…

All I know is the government has sensibly taken unpopular decisions to make you poorer for your own protection. I’m sure you can agree that as a result of their selfless work, they deserve the kind of pay rise you could only dream of.

Excitingly, your betters are set to get an inflation-busting pay rise which comes on top of last year’s 5.5% pay rise. You can’t expect MPs to scrape by on £91,436, can you? I mean if they were any poorer, they’d have to shop at Lidl and Primark like the rest of you!

Let’s not forget it’s not long since Sir Keir Starmer was bullied into rejecting freebies from his generous donors who wanted absolutely nothing in return. The poor bloke even has to buy his wife’s clothes now because apparently, it wasn’t “a good look” that another man was buying Lady Victoria pretty dresses.

MPs have pointed out they don’t set their own salaries because they have an “independent watchdog” that just happens to be super generous and give them exactly what they want. Personally, I’m thinking of setting up an independent watchdog that gives me inflation-busting pay rises so I can add to my designer shoe collection. I deserve it every bit as much as the other people who hate you!

Anyway, I’ve been speaking to Labour MPs to find out what they are going to spend their pay rises on and here is what they told me:

David Lammy said he is going to buy himself a spine, Liz Kendall plans to add to her collection of human skulls, Jess Phillips is going to buy herself several hundred t-shirts that say “I love Jess Phillips”, Pat McFadden is going to buy himself a cloak so he can venture into sunlight without catching fire, and Rachel Reeves is going to buy another one of those wigs that look like a helmet and are so heat resistant, they can survive re-entry to earth. Most other MPs I spoke to said they would probably spend their money on cocaine and prostitutes. I don’t know about you, but I appreciate honesty in a politician.

In this time of ruthless austerity, it is heart warming to know that MPs have shielded themselves from the consequences of their actions, increasing their earnings by over £14,000 in just five years. Remember, kids, if we didn’t pay MPs generously, we’d end up with a bunch of useless dickheads who would only make you poorer. This way, you get a bunch of competent dickheads who are intentionally making you poorer.

If this wasn’t sadistic, I mean exciting enough, the government is tirelessly watering down safeguards for assisted dying and is keen to let people with mental health conditions be pressured, I mean helped into topping themselves. Given that “mental health condition” is normally a euphemism for “poor and can see no way out”, you now all have a way out!

Sensibly, High Court judges are to be removed from the euthanasia approval process to avoid the risk of them saying no. We wouldn’t want anyone with a conscience getting in the way of our austerity measures, would we? The only opinion that matters is that of the vulnerable person who is being pressured into no longer being a burden.

When the Tories were in charge of the country, we culled the poor and disabled against their will. This way, we will cull the poor and disabled with their consent, sort of, because we are progressive now... Have you noticed how our idea of progressive always involves killing people, rather than helping them? This is because helping ordinary people to live is not cost effective x

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