ICC declares Netanayhu and Gallant are NOT above international law

This is the greatest outrage in human history

In what is unquestionably the greatest outrage in human history, the International Criminal Court has… has… Hold on, I need a moment to stop myself from crying… Okay, you’re gonna wanna sit down for this one…

Those fucking racist twats at the International Criminal Court have only gone and issued arrest warrants for your favourite war criminals. No, not Biden and Starmer, the other two, Netanyahu and Gallant. Yes, the ICC has made it official that Israel is no longer above international law!

I’ll be honest with you, I’d been in denial all of these months. While I was doing pro-genocide propaganda, I’d always feared it might come to this, but I told myself we would surely find a way out out. I mean when is Israel ever held accountable for its war crimes? Well, today has well and truly burst my bubble. I can no longer gaslight you and pretend Israel is the victim without making myself an accomplice. No wonder I can’t stop the tears from pouring.

The International Criminal Court said there are “reasonable grounds” to believe Netanyahu and Gallant have overseen attacks on civilians and used starvation as a weapon of war, but they overlooked that those civilians do not count as humans. This makes the ICC judges as anti-Semitic as the people who questioned our lies about pogroms in Amsterdam.

One outrageous aspect of this story is that if Netanyahu and Gallant enter any of the 124 member states of the ICC, they must be arrested. If police refuse to enforce the arrest warrants, they risk facing arrest warrants themselves. It gets even more concerning when you consider Biden and Starmer could be next. Who will drag us into World War III then? Trump? Fuck that, I want a moderate form of Armageddon!

Netanyahu has graciously shown his respect for international law by rejecting the arrest warrants “with disgust”. He is understandably livid that his months of blackmailing ICC judges and stitching up Karim Khan KC have not had the desired effect.

Fortunately, Mossad has located a tunnel network under the Hague and I’m told a tactical nuclear strike is not off the table. Other courses of action include banning the whole internet and introducing the death penalty for anyone who waves a Palestinian flag.

Netanyahu’s office explained the judges are “anti-Semitic” along with the overwhelming majority of the global population who are disgusted with Israel. It said the arrest warrants are invalid because they do not include the words “release the hostages” and draw a “despicable parallel between Israel and Hamas”. This is obviously an unfair comparison because Israel’s body count is much higher.

Israel genuinely thought it had a get-out clause by saying it rejected the ICC’s jurisdiction, but disgustingly, the ICC said Israel can’t just opt-out of international law. This is concerning because if police ever caught up to me for my serial killing, I was gonna argue the law doesn’t apply to me.

The ICC judges were so afraid of Israel that they postponed the arrest warrants for months in the hope Israel would stop doing genocide. Clearly, this was an unrealistic expectation. When the genocide didn’t go away, the judges did their jobs without considering this makes rich kids at western universities unsafe. I’m pretty sure this violates IHRA guidelines or something.

Anyways, I’d like to remind you that expressing support for the International Criminal Court will get you expelled from university or fired from your job.

Our approach at the BBC is to pretend there is ambiguity about whether the ICC is the world’s highest court. We’re going to say it would break our impartiality guidelines to accurately reflect what is taking place, but we will be subtle enough to hopefully not get arrested.

You see the hoops we’re having to jump through to comply with “international law”? Free speech is in serious trouble when journalists could face arrest for doing pro-genocide propaganda, isn’t it? x

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