IDF condemns Gazan grandma for intercepting bullet with her body

The bullet was attracted by a white flag

The IDF has angrily condemned a Palestinian grandma who attracted the attention of their sniper, skilfully intercepting their bullet with her barely mobile body, just so she could make Israel look bad as her life tragically drained away.

Support has flooded in for the Israeli sniper who had not hit a target all day and was therefore struggling with low self-esteem. This meant he couldn’t help but shoot at any flicker of movement. He had already missed a feral cat and two pigeons, but he proudly took out a crisp packet blowing in the wind earlier that morning. This gave him the confidence to snipe easy targets that aren’t fighting back.

Now that he’s hit a target (and peed himself with excitement), the brave sniper is unsure if he’s allowed to publicly express his jubilation. He really wanted to post one of those demented videos where he boasts about his murder while grinning like a Cheshire cat, but he’s unsure if that would be going too far. This appears to be a genocidal grey area.

An IDF spokesperson explained:

“The elderly woman was provoking our sniper with a white flag as she led a group of civilians through a residential area. Even worse, she had a child with her who we can only assume was a human shield, not that we think Palestinian children are human.”

I’ve watched the footage of the bullet interception and it’s harrowing the way the woman with the white flag didn’t use her human shield because… What do you mean, I sound callous and hopelessly all over the place? I’m just corroborating what the rational IDF spokesperson said. That’s what real journalists are supposed to do!

The rational IDF spokesperson continued:

“In addition to this outrage, in the past week our snipers have been taunted by a man wielding a camera while wearing a vest with a bullseye on it. Well, it was not a bullseye, it was the word ‘press’, but this left our sniper with no choice but to retaliate.

“Our soldiers have also had to deal with a town of 13,000 people who refused to teleport into the Sinai desert, a family who happened to be related to an Al-Jazeera journalist, and a boy riding a bike. What would you expect them to do, other than open fire and boast about it on TikTok?”

In order to avoid further diplomatic incidents, Palestinians have been given formal advice which recommends they: don’t stay in their homes, don’t move to safe zones, don’t hide in refugee camps, don’t visit hospitals, don’t be seen in the open, don’t go under ground, don’t wave white flags, don’t fail to identify themselves, always be invisible, and jump out the way of any bullets they attract.

Given that Israel is facing legal action in the International Court of Justice, US President Anthony Blinken was asked his thoughts on the IDF’s latest actions. President Blinken told uncritical US reporters:

“There is no evidence of Israel intentionally targeting crisp packets, apart from all of the confessions and the video footage, but obviously mentioning those would be Hamas propaganda.

“I am deeply sorry for the almost unimaginable loss of non-male and non-adult individuals in Gaza who have mysteriously died from unknown causes. As a regular human, I am unmoved when Palestinians lose their lives, but I do my utmost to show emotion when I’m in front of a camera. How am I doing?”

President Blinken peeled back his human costume to scratch the scales on his neck before adding:

“I think I’m doing well, aren’t I? To prove how much I care, I hope to fly to Israel soon to write a message on one of those missiles we supplied so I can let the Palestinian family it kills know how deeply sorry I am that we’re wiping out their people”.

He’s so caring x

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