IDF furious it's included on UN blacklist of organisations that harm children

Israel has a right to defend itself from children

Israel is outraged to hear that its military has been put on a UN blacklist of organisations that harm children in conflicts, putting the IDF in the same company as ISIS, Al Qaeda, Islamic Jihad, and Boko Haram.

Israel has objected to the suggestion its military is just another religious organisation that will kill anyone who gets in its way, pointing out it’s only killed 16,000 children (low estimate) in the last seven months and god gave them permission so they could claim land promised to them in the Bible. This means they are nothing like those other groups that do what they do, claiming god gave them permission in the Qur’an. The bastards.

Surprisingly, Israel’s critics have leapt to its defence, explaining religious extremism is not the real motivation for Israel’s behaviour, settler-colonialism is. Their ancient text is just their excuse to grab a nice piece of real estate on the Mediterranean coast. Let’s be honest, we would all do it if we could!

Israeli ambassador Gilad Erdan has pointed out that Hamas keeps using children as human shields and presumably it’s fine to blow those children up. However, he did not say if it’s also fine to blow up all the children who weren’t used as human shields, which is pretty much all of them. We’ll just call this a legal grey area and blackmail the judges at the International Court of Justice to be safe.

Erdan reminded everyone Israel is the Most Moral Army on Earth™ (if you discount all the other armies) and he called this a “flat earth decision”. This analogy would make perfect sense if we’d just watched a seven-month live stream from the International Space Station which showed the earth is indeed flat. Sadly, we had to watch a seven-month stream of children being blown up by the world’s most moral army. Why would Hamas make them do this?

Israel is going to be included in the annual Children and Armed Conflict report which is set to be published on June 18th. When news of Israel’s inclusion was broken, screams of “there are no innocents in Gaza!” could be heard from here to Tel Aviv. Thankfully, Israel has reminded UN delegates it knows where they live and where their children go to school.

Sadly, children in Gaza can’t go to school because Israel keeps bombing the schools, but the media says it’s okay to bomb the schools because they’re now “ex-schools” because the pupils are no longer going to them. Circular reasoning is the best kind!

Any human shield who is lucky enough to survive the war will be navigating rubble hills on crutches to go to a tent school. While Israel has conceded that children have had limbs amputated due to their bombs, and those amputations came without anaesthetic due to their blockade, it pointed out those children did not release the hostages. Gaza now has the largest cohort of child amputees in the world, but something, something, October 7th.

Several dozen Palestinian children might have starved to death recently, but we made up a story about 40 beheaded babies so that’s fine. Some children in Gaza are so thin, they are basically skeletons wrapped in skin, barely able to breathe, but did you know Israel has a right to defend itself?

One child lost his entire family in the holocaust (the latest one), but someone on social media pointed out they “fucked around and found out”. If that child even entertains the idea of fighting back against the people who killed his family when he grows up, this will justify Israel killing his family and every other family who lives in the apartment building. Don’t worry though, he won’t actually be living in an apartment building because they’ve all been destroyed! Serves the terrorist right.

I’m told a brave Israeli soldier pulled out a rocket launcher and aimed at an eight-year-old who he accused of throwing a stone. The eight-year-old did not actually throw a stone so the kind soldier resisted the urge to blow him to pieces. Instead, he took him into custody and the boy’s family haven’t heard from him since. Whatever you do, do not mention this when someone says “release the hostages”. The children Israel kidnap don’t count as hostages, they’re just non-adult combatants, and this is why the UN is wrong about everything x

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