Innocent Prince Andrew paid off (and bumped off) a woman he never met for nothing

Sucks when this happens, doesn't it?

Prince Andrew is very confused.

After pictures of him emerged groping a teenage girl he had no recollection of meeting, standing before a sex trafficker he barely knew, Andrew realised his ability to remember was as weak as his ability to sweat. He was suffering not just from anhidrosis but the early onset of dementia.

It was a truly devastating time for Andrew, the real victim of this story.

When Virginia Giuffre accused Andrew of being one of her rapists, he had no choice but do the dignified thing: admit he couldn't remember anything, pay her off and hope it all blows over.

Kind-hearted Andrew gave Virginia £13 million of your money and a lovely ski chalet that your taxes paid for. This was an extraordinarily generous gesture that helped Andrew avoid prosecution. It bought him time until he could bump Virginia off in a way that looked like an accident.

Andrew spent years meticulously plotting the least suspicious murder so he opted for the same method Phillip used on Diana. That way, no one would suspect a thing as long as he didn't move too soon.

When Andrew finally arranged that car crash, he discovered he had indeed moved too soon because absolutely no one believed it was an accident, not least because it didn't work and had to be followed up with a suicide.

Eleven years of preparation were down the drain and Andrew's big comeback tour was left in ruins. He really thought he could say: "Hello everyone, I'm back now and Virginia is dead!" and all would be forgiven. Clearly, his PR team gave him really bad fucking advice.

You can imagine how confused poor Andrew is now that his fellow accused, Donald Trump, has confirmed there never was an Epstein list. Andrew's best friend trafficked sex slaves to no one, meaning he was innocent and took his own life for nothing. Even worse, his partner, Ghislaine Maxwell, is languishing in prison, despite also being innocent.

Poor Andrew must be innocent of raping the teenage girl he couldn't remember meeting who hung around with his best friend's girlfriend who he barely knew. It turns out he had indeed never met these women and that photograph of him groping Virginia was, well, that, um, um... Let's move on...

What's relevant here is that poor Andrew's reputation was ruined by paying off and murdering a woman he was falsely accused of raping, having been tricked into thinking he was suffering from dementia, and seeing his best friend wrongly jailed and suicided while his best friend's girlfriend remains behind bars for a crime she never committed and Andrew can't even visit her because it would look really bad.

The justice system is completely and utterly fucked when it allows all this to happen to innocent paedophiles, isn't it? x

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