Israel ecstatic to have captured new Hamas leader

He had been terrorising the IDF for weeks...

Israel is ecstatic to have captured the new leader of Hamas after multiple brutal attacks against its soldiers. The Hamas leader, an Egyptian lynx named Khaled, was causing terror among the IDF ranks by randomly attacking soldiers, making them scared to leave their base at Mount Harif.

The Egyptian lynx typically feeds on small birds and rodents so as you can imagine, IDF soldiers were incredibly easy prey. The men who run from bees had no chance against this 35lb monstrosity.

One IDF soldier, who was too embarrassed to tell me their name, said: “We didn’t know what it was. We called it the ‘ghost of the desert’ because it would come out of the darkness, scratch us and disappear again.”

Another IDF soldier said: “We were casually blowing up Gaza’s only cancer hospital when this thing attacked for absolutely no reason. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. My uniform still bears the claw marks. The doctor said if my injury was any deeper, it might have required butterfly stitches. I’m too upset to return to the battlefield.”

Harrowing stuff.

Thankfully, the IDF dropped a 2,000lb bunker buster on the lynx’s den, wiping out his wife, kittens and extended family. Israel then turned its rockets to the Nasser Hospital to punish an American doctor who had been reporting on Israel’s war crimes. The IDF missed their prime target, Dr Mark Perlmutter, but they killed several nurses and patients so they feel good about themselves.

Understandably, the lynx is now a proscribed species and anyone caught wearing Lynx Africa is to be shot on the spot. The popular deodorant is to henceforth be known as “the terrorist scent” because it makes American university students feel unsafe. IHRA guidelines have been updated accordingly.

I’m told the lynx is currently being detained at Sde Teiman concentration camp where he is shackled to a bed, awaiting his turn to be violated with an electrified metal rod.

Lawyers for the lynx have called for his immediate release and described his treatment as “inhumane”. They told the media their client was fulfilling his obligations under international law to prevent genocide and has done far more than western leaders in this regard. They even suggested Sir Keir Starmer should scratch Netanyahu next time he sees him. This open call for terrorism has been condemned by every politician who receives generous donations from Israel.

There is worrying talk of regional war after the local fox population said it was prepared to make a stand and fight alongside its former rivals. Local bumble bees said they were on standby to act as suicide stingers. The iron dome isn’t equipped to deal with such a threat so there is talk of establishing a peacekeeping force to protect Israeli soldiers from the local wildlife. This is the only way they can safely slaughter civilians x

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