If you wonder why you are growing fond of genocide, it’s probably because Israel has been paying your favourite influencers $7,000 a post to control your thoughts. Isn’t that clever? Obviously, it would not be realistic to drag you all to a re-education camp in Jerusalem and make you tongue-kiss a wall, so this is the next best thing.
Leaked documents from Bridge Partners, a firm working for the Israeli Ministry of Foreign Affairs, confirmed the influencers are paid via Havas Media Group. While we don’t know who the influencers are, it’s a safe bet the TikTokkers who spontaneously started denying genocide after meeting Netanyahu are among them.
These influencers are a valuable part of the propaganda machine, but obviously not as valuable as yours truly. If you hadn’t already guessed, Normal Island News is generously funded by Tel Aviv. I’m not bragging or anything, but they pay me £1 million every time I write one of these articles. I’m sure you will agree, I’m worth every penny.
If you were one of the people who had misgivings about genocide, I’m super glad that propagandists such as myself have been able to correct your thoughts. You are a better person now.
You might think Israel would want to keep its mind control plan secret, but Netanyahu came right out and admitted: “We have to fight back. How do we fight back? Our influencers. I think you should also talk to them if you have a chance, to that community, they are very important.”
Netanyahu asked: “What’s another game plan if we lose evangelical support for the state of Israel?” Now you understand why transgender Islamists had to murder Charlie Kirk. May he rest in peace.
If Israel is to continue seizing land in the Middle East, it’s essential that evangelicals are on its side, otherwise those welfare cheques from the US could dry up. The $7,000 bribes to influencers are a worthwhile investment, as are all the AIPAC donations to your favourite politicians.
Israel is doing an outstanding job of controlling social media, such as taking over TikTok to protect you from Chinese propaganda. Netanyahu is openly admitting that Israel’s goal is to take full control of TikTok and X (the incel name for Twitter).
Israel has sensibly made it so Twitter posts critical of Israel disappear into the ether. TikTok posts that even mention the existence of AIPAC are removed and users are given a strike. The only way to improve this system would be to introduce digital IDs and a social credit score, but I’m sure our push towards digital IDs is completely unrelated.
Israel admits it is training ChatGPT and other AIs to tell you why starving children to death is a brilliant idea, but it’s not stopping there. Israeli politician Yair Golan said, “The next thing we will do is put restrictions on social media” to protect democracy. He explained that free speech is the biggest threat to democracy and we must be protected from propaganda, which is why Israel is paying people to lie for it.
Everyone who feels empathy for Palestinians must be silenced to protect the leaders who are wanted by the International Criminal Court. If you want to know who rules over you, just look at who you are not allowed to criticise x
Honestly, both of us could make a killing (pun fully intended) writing for the right wing. Easy money, shinier branding than a Tesla coffin, maybe even a ghost-written book deal with a Union Jack cover that smells of stale lager and imperial nostalgia. We’d be swimming in speaking fees and crocodile tears before the first draft even hit the printer.
But I’d sooner have my bollocks removed with a butter knife in the back of a Wetherspoons kitchen and framed as “British heritage” than churn out propaganda for people who think empathy is a software bug.
I just really want peace, thanks, but apparently that’s the one thing no one’s paying for.
The Israelis will crumble once they lose their welfare. They won't be able to afford all of these weapons and hasbara funds.