Israel jubilant as Iranian school girl death toll surpasses expectations with over 148 "liberated"

There were wild celebrations in bunkers across Tel Aviv—and even a Florida congressional office—as exciting news updates rolled in. The European colonisers stopped cowering for a moment as they heard the death toll of Iranian schoolgirls had risen to 148. Most of the victims were aged 7 to 12—a lucky few were pulled screaming from the rubble, but many more remain buried beneath.

“This is why we’re winning, baby!” one settler boasted on Larry Ellison’s TikTok. “They haven’t touched a single one of our schoolgirls. Fucking losers!”

Israel’s latest success came after a precision-guided missile struck a high-value military target: the Shajareh Tayyebeh girls’ elementary school in Minab. US Rep. Randy Fine set off seismometers as he jumped with joy, shrieking: “Bombs away!”

You would think the whole free world would join the party, but no—the pearl-clutching woke mob were screeching about “proportionality” and “deliberate targeting of civilians” and even “war crimes under the Geneva Conventions”. They’re fucking exhausting, aren’t they?

Anyway, human rights lawyers forced us to issue a denial, so we suggested the thing we were celebrating couldn’t possibly have happened because kids don’t go to school on Saturdays. However, some bright spark pointed out that Iranians attend school from Saturday to Thursday, taking Fridays off for prayers. Fucking Muslims.

Our lies were making the whole operation look amateurish so we needed to improve our hasbara, fast. Cue an emergency meeting in Jeffrey Epstein’s Tel Aviv bunker where the Israeli war cabinet discussed the options:

Option A: Hamas-style terror tunnels under the playground—perhaps too predictable, even for Trump’s dumb supporters to believe. Pass.

Option B: An Iranian missile that backfired. Classic regime incompetence. Everyone who hates Muslims will buy that! We reused this one successfully in Gaza until every school was a crater and somehow got away with it. Never underestimate the power of propaganda…

If your stomach’s turning at the thought of 148 girls who dreamt of becoming scientists, doctors, or teachers until they were vapourised mid-lesson, let me remind you: these weren’t future Western feminist girl-bosses posting selfies in crop tops. They were the hijab-wearing, modest types who would only grow up oppressing themselves so this was basically a liberation. You’re welcome, ladies!

As if all this wasn’t enough success for one day, it turns out Israel took out Ayatollah Khamenei—the guy who issued the famous fatwa banning weapons of mass destruction. Brilliant strategy, right? Israel and the US are so desperate to stop Iran from getting The Bomb that they assassinated the religious authority who was forbidding it. They were so committed to liberating Iranians from theocratic oppression that they took out their fucking pope. Nice work.

It’s not all happy news, though. I’m hearing that Iran has retaliated with precision strikes that somehow took out President Jeffrey Epstein in his underground pleasure bunker. Even worse, Prime Minister Kevin Spacey is missing under the rubble. Israel is not taking the news lying down and has vowed to fight on until every school in Iran is turned to dust.

Smoke has already risen from the Tel Aviv stock exchange to signal that a new Jeffrey Epstein has been chosen. He has sent an emergency package of teenage girls and hidden cameras to the White House to ensure the US sees this thing through to the end. Makes you proud, doesn’t it?

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