Israel orders Palestinians to leave Rafah for the Moon

The Moon has been designated a "safe zone"

After ordering everyone in Gaza to move to the south and then bombing the south, and then ordering everyone into safe zones and then bombing the safe zones, and then ordering everyone into Rafah and then bombing Rafah, an Israeli murder drone with a megaphone has compassionately ordered everyone to leave Rafah. Or else.

This reasonable request prompted everyone in Rafah to ask: “Where do you want us to go? The entire Gaza Strip is rubble now!”

The Israeli murder drone said: “Hold on, I’ll get back to you…” and minutes later, it explained Palestinians are ordered to head to the Moon… on foot.

That’s right, after turning Gaza into a crater-filled moonscape, Israel is now ordering the people of Gaza to move to the original crater-filled moonscape! This announcement has prompted concerned Moonlings to object, saying: “Hey, this is our land. You can’t just take it over!”

The Israeli ambassador to the Moon simply laughed and said: “Like we care what the natives think!” So it looks like the Moon Relocation Plan is going ahead, regardless of what the native population wants. Obviously, anyone who considers the needs of the native population is a racist.

The Moon Relocation Plan has caused confusion for Palestinians because they don’t want to steal someone else’s land, they want to keep their own land. Plus, it would be hard for them to walk to the Moon, given that most of them are tired from spending months walking around in circles with no food at the instruction of Israel. On top of that, lots of them are old or injured. Some even have no legs, however, we at the BBC are unclear how they came to lose their legs. They just did.

I’m told the humanitarian situation in Rafah is so grave that parents are feeding their babies energy drinks, although I’m unclear why babies can’t drink from puddles like other children. Perhaps it’s because faeces are running through the streets, due to the lack of toilets and nappies. I understand people have resorted to eating grass, but this wouldn’t be happening on the Moon because there is no grass. Or breathable air for that matter.

A European diplomat explained that 1.4 million people are crammed into a corner of Rafah “without a safe place to go, facing starvation,” but Israel has kindly agreed to let a small number of aid trucks through to the Moon, as long as they’re not carrying pain relief. That’s a red line.

Diseases are spreading through Rafah due to the lack of hygiene, so obviously it would be kinder to send refugees to the Moon so we can’t hear them complain. It’s going to be hard for the people without legs to walk to the Moon, but Israel has explained anyone who refuses to relocate will be treated as legitimate military targets.

It’s unclear how civilians are going to safely evacuate given that gunfire is now so intense, medical staff are unable to move between medical facilities. I can only assume they will have to make a run for it and hope for the best. But whatever they do, they must not wave white flags. White flags are irresistible targets.

US President Joe Biden said Israel's actions in Gaza have been “over the top” and his spokesperson John Kirby said a ground offensive in Rafah is “not something we would support,” but the US is going to supply the bombs anyway because there is lots of money to make.

If even the genocide’s biggest cheerleaders are suggesting Israel might be going too far, you can imagine how many people they are about to kill.

A mother-of-two, who has been displaced six times and is currently living in a house with 20 other people, said: “If they come to Rafah, it will be the end for us, like we are waiting for death. We have no other place to go.” I’m unclear why she does not want to go to the Moon though. She sounds so ungrateful.

A wild-eyed Benjamin Netanyahu said “total victory” over Hamas will come in a matter of months and all it’s going to take is killing several hundred times more civilians than Hamas has ever killed or would ever be able to kill. This is called proportionality.

It’s true there is no safe place in Gaza because Israel keeps bombing the hundreds of thousands of tents that definitely have Hamas tunnels beneath them. You will be reassured to hear Israel has also attacked al-Amal Hospital and arrested the doctors, as well as the patients in hospital beds.

I understand that as part of the Moon Relocation Plan, no hospitals will be allowed on the Moon because we all know hospitals are used as weapons storage facilities, despite the lack of evidence to support this claim.

The Hamas-backed Doctors Without Borders has warned that Israel’s military offensive in Rafah is going to prove “catastrophic”. The neo-Nazi Norwegian Refugee Council warned of a “bloodbath” and said: “No war can be allowed in a gigantic refugee camp.” The pro-terrorist Amnesty International said civilians in Gaza are at “grave risk of genocide”. Rishi Sunak and Sir Keir Starmer agreed that anyone who repeats these allegations is being “insensitive”.

The UK government is to launch antisemitism training in all schools and universities due to concerns that young people have not been sufficiently brainwashed and are reluctant to support crimes against humanity. It’s understood this has happened because we accidentally made them woke by pretending we had consistent humanitarian values, instead of explaining those values are highly selective and only come into play when it’s politically convenient.

Lots of people were considering raising an objection to the Moon Relocation Plan, but they were worried they would be sacked faster than the nine UNRWA workers who were dismissed without evidence the moment Israel made an accusation against them.

Be warned, Israel can make an accusation against anyone - and anyone who disputes their accusations will be labelled a Nazi. This is just how it works.

A senior UN official, who clearly doesn’t value their job, said Israel appears to be in breach of the ICJ’s provisional measures to stop inciting genocide and improve the supply of humanitarian aid. Israel is currently drawing up plans to relocate the UN to the Moon where they will no longer pose a problem.

Israel has reassured concerned do-gooders it is cooperating with the International Court of Justice and will definitely not genocide anyone who moves to the Lunar Refugee Camp because they don’t think their rockets can reach that far. Those refugees will be free to rebuild their lives on the Moon until the day Europeans decide to build holiday resorts there, at which point we will ethnically cleanse the locals and call anyone who disapproves a racist.

Excitingly, the Moon Relocation Plan is already underway and several Palestinian families are living under a glass dome that they hope will be strong enough to withstand the constant bombardment of micrometeorites. Let’s be honest, those micrometeorites are not as scary as Israel’s rockets so this is definitely an upgrade.

During the first night in their new home, a Palestinian boy said to his mother: “The sky is different here. Why are there so many stars?”

His mother gently explained: “Those are not stars, darling, they are the souls of every Palestinian Israel has killed since the day it stole our land. There are more of them than we can count...”

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