It turns out America is somehow even worse than Britain
It seems impossible, but it might be true
Now my British fans aren’t going to believe this, but there’s a place that’s even worse than the UK, and my American fans (I have many) aren’t going to believe this, but there’s a place that’s even better than America. If you’re unsure what I’m talking about, the Tory Party has somehow made Britain only the second worst country in the world and you’ve got to admit, that’s quite the achievement!
FYI: If you’ve never heard of America, it’s a strange land across the Atlantic where crisps are chips and chips are fries and biscuits are cookies and lack of healthcare is freedom and schools are, um, let’s not go there…
Now what I’m about to say is at least 70% accurate so if you’re one of my American fans, please don’t correct me because 70% is much better than the BBC manages and good enough for me, thank you very much.
Funny things are going on in America.
For example, it’s got something called a “constitution” (Bible) which was written when Jesus lived in America’s capital, New York City, and native Americans (Christians) were riding on the backs of dinosaurs. America’s also got something called the Supreme Court of the United States which is sometimes called Scotus, although I’m unsure why. (Personally, I would’ve given it a cool name like Steve.)
Anyways, what’s brilliant about Steve, I mean Scotus, is it gets to decide what’s allowed by the constitution, even if the thing Scotus is ruling on didn’t exist when the constitution was written in 4,000 BC!
For example, Scotus has decided colleges can’t consider the race of applicants when allocating college places anymore. This bold decision could make it harder for black people to get educated in a country that kept slaves until 1865 and still has a Ku Klux Klan and a Marjorie Taylor Greene.
If I’ve got this right, American education goes something like this: if you’re poor and white, you’ll spend the rest of your life in debt, and if you’re poor and black, you won’t go to college, or at least that’s the aim. Six of nine Scotus judges describe this noble aim as creating a “colour blind society” where no one can see a person’s race, other than armed cops at a traffic stop.
So there you have it, racism in America is over now, but thankfully, the power of Scotus doesn’t stop with ending racism. The US constitution gives judges the power to do all kinds of things.
For example, Scotus decided the constitution allows rednecks to walk into Walmart with popular “mass-murder devices” called AR-15s, even though AR-15s didn’t exist in 4,000 BC. They’ve also decided corporations count as people and can own politicians, website designers can refuse to work for gay couples, and ten-year-old rape victims can be denied abortions.
Scotus judges can just pretend their personal beliefs are written in the constitution and this makes them all powerful. Sadly, there is no way the unwashed masses can stop Scotus from doing whatever it wants because its judges get lifetime appointments, and given their average age is 126, they are probably immortal like Jacob Rees-Mogg.
Among other things, this means the American people have no democratic say over whether student debt is cancelled. I understand the president wanted to cancel student debt so people could eat proper food, instead of wrestling raccoons for scraps in garbage cans. This move had the support of the public, but Scotus said: “Sorry, I’m not letting you do that because I don’t like the thought of poor people eating.”
Student debt and racial inequality are just things that will exist forever now because Scotus claims someone wrote this down while riding on the back of a diplodocus. Rules from dinosaur times are forever, even the imaginary ones, and the imaginary rules say poor people should pay for their own tuition. It’s only fair.
Incidentally, college tuition is about five times more expensive than it was when the Scotus judges were educated, but although the judges believe in fairness, they don’t believe in fairness enough to pay back what they saved.
In unrelated news, Scotus decided it’s totally fine for generous billionaires to give them tens of thousands of dollars in bribes and pay for their lavish holidays. This is because rugged, unfettered capitalism is only for young people with blue hair to punish them for being woke.
As you can see, blue hair is clearly the problem here, along with pride flags, avocados and birth control, and Scotus should definitely ban those things next x
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x
This American appreciates your take very much because it is my life in Florida and it has become almost hopeless
So according to the United States Supreme Court, you (public businesses) can now legally discriminate against LGBTQ people. And nothing in the ruling indicates there is any limit to future discrimination.
But the Supreme Court also says you can't try to help people from historically-oppressed classes. But you can continue to give preferential treatment to the children of rich alumni.
Ah ... so it is heads I (white men) win, tails you lose. Gotcha.