It turns out President Trump is the Throat Goat

If you’re a normal person, you probably assumed Trump’s biggest concern was that the Epstein files would confirm he is a paedophile. The flaw in that theory is that most of Trump’s supporters do not care if he is a paedophile. Therefore, the president is safe on that front. However, it turns out the Epstein files were hiding a much darker secret, the type of secret that nightmares are made of, a secret that even Trump’s supporters could not forgive. A secret about his sexuality…

Now I hope you’re not eating your Sunday dinner because this one is about to get messy. As in Monica Lewinsky’s dress messy.

In a newly-released conversation between Jeffrey Epstein and his brother, Mark, there is mention of the photos of Trump… blowing Bubba. Mark even suggests Putin might have obtained those pictures.

I wish I did not have to tell you this, but Bubba is the nickname of Bill Clinton. Not gonna lie, when I heard the news, I was catatonic for like 45 minutes.

You’re probably going into denial, convincing yourself this is something I made up, but even my twisted mind wouldn’t come up with this shit. Reality is once again weirder than satire.

While you lot were convinced that teenage beauty queens were used as a honeypot, it turns out the two presidents were much more into each other. Hillary and Melania just weren’t putting out, but their services weren’t needed anyway. The presidents took care of each other’s needs.

Now, paedophilia Republicans can accept. Hell, some can even accept homosexuality, but being gay with a Democrat? That’s even worse than the Monica Lewinsky thing!

If you’re progressive, you might be thinking this is some heartwarming Brokeback Mountain love story. Just know that the Epstein files show both men were fully aware of Epstein’s sex trafficking and used their influence to ensure it wasn’t investigated. Truly, they are a match made in prison.

Obviously, the biggest worry now is that the Bubba tape could be made public and we will all have to see that shit. Honestly, I’d rather claw my eyeballs out. I’d rather 3i Atlas came along and put us out of our misery, but if one thing is gonna scare the aliens away from this planet, it’s our fucking weird politicians.

I therefore think it would be better for all involved if we just pretended this story never happened and went back to saying Trump is a paedophile, like a normal politician.

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