Jesus has risen and he said Jacob Rees-Mogg is a massive knob
He then reminded everyone he is a communist who is really mad at rich people
Jesus rose from the dead today and he was in a bad mood because some bastard had nailed him to a cross and it really hurt. Apparently, he goes through this crap every year and it’s bloody exhausting.
Anyways, Jesus was found by our camera crew, wearing a crown of thorns, lost and confused near this cave so we asked him a few questions. He explained that he’s unhappy about dying, just so we can eat chocolate eggs laid by a giant bunny and totally forget his message. He then asked if that “massive knob, Jacob Rees-Mogg” has been tweeting about him again.
When we told him yes, Jesus said, and I quote:
“Has that cretin even read the Bible? I walked around barefoot, giving out free food and healthcare. I beat the shit out of the bankers and threw them out of the temple. I said you should love your neighbour and welcome refugees. I said sell what you possess and give to the poor and you’ll get treasure in heaven. I said there is more chance of a camel passing through the eye of a needle than a rich man entering the kingdom of heaven.
“DOES THIS SOUND LIKE CONSERVATISM TO YOU?
“I did not once say you should be a monocle-wearing bastard who lives in a castle, bullies your staff and dreams of bringing back chimney sweeping! That would be the opposite of my message.
“I AM LITERALLY A COMMUNIST!”
Jesus was red-faced at this point so he took a few breaths before continuing:
“Can someone please put on Twitter that Jacob Rees-Mogg does not speak for me and I think he’s a massive knob? That twat votes for welfare cuts for the poor and tax cuts for the rich. He sides with corporations and landlords, and his party even tries to drown refugees. He doesn’t know yet, but he’s definitely going to the same place as Margaret Thatcher. He’ll like it down there, they’ve privatised the furnaces.
“The next time Jacob Rees-Mogg calls himself a Christian, can someone tell him that the original Christian, me, says he is definitely not one of us!”
Shortly after the interview, Jesus parted the English Channel to make it safer for refugees to cross, especially since it’s full of sewage now. When they arrived, he gave them free bread, fish, and medical treatment. He even turned water into wine so everyone could get hammered. It was brilliant!
I understand Suella Braverman has been notified and she’s currently making plans to send Jesus to Rwanda x
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x
Three cheers for Jesus, is what I say! That chap certainly wasn't afraid to get the message out and we should live by his example. I supposed I should have written 'his' as 'His' . . . however, Jesus probably didn't care much about capital letters and their usage in the English language.
Fantastic read. Thank you. X