Keir Starmer stunned to discover local elections were held yesterday
A furious Sir Keir Starmer has demanded answers after hearing the news that local elections were held yesterday, despite his personal decision to postpone them. A search party is now desperately trying to locate the Labour heartlands that he has so carelessly misplaced.
“I made it very clear in a meeting that these elections were to be kicked into the long grass,” the prime minister fumed during a press briefing. “I postponed them until my approval ratings improved, which, as we all know, means indefinitely. And yet someone let them go ahead. Our democratic process is completely unacceptable and needs to change urgently.”
Labour sources insist the postponement was one of Starmer’s few genuinely shrewd political strategies. Unfortunately, the government was forced to back down because such a move would technically be “illegal” and the people who are running the country forgot to tell the prime minister. Apparently, you can’t just cancel elections because you were going to lose them, just like you cant pretend retired vicars are terrorists because they object to war crimes in Gaza. That’s called “authoritarianism”, or at least it used to be.
MPs are complaining about a lack of decisiveness from their leader, but unfortunately, they can’t decide what to do about him because every alternative is just as useless. Starmer is so politically astute, he once told Labour voters that “the door is open and you can leave”. He appeared genuinely baffled that they followed his suggestion because he is so used to being ignored.
Bizarrely, signalling to your base that you despise them has not proved a winning formula for Starmer, even if certain newspaper owners assured him it would. You can picture the man’s confusion.
The prime minister had been enjoying a quiet afternoon with four nice Ukrainian friends when he switched on Sky News and learned of Labour’s humiliating wipe-out, despite his brand of “grown-up politics” being exactly what his donors ordered. Downing Street insiders say Starmer heard about Labour losing half its seats and immediately pulled up his trousers, yelling: “Who signed off on this? I want names.”
The question of who exactly will be sacked remains unclear. Starmer has already blamed Morgan McSweeney and Sir Olly Robbins for everything that’s gone wrong since July 2024, and I’m not sure he could get away with blaming Jeremy Corbyn again.
“Obviously, if I had known the elections were on,” Starmer told reporters, “I would have pretended to care about voters for a couple of weeks. I would have knocked on doors, posted leaflets. I would have even tried to sound friendly on camera. But nobody told me. Again.”
It’s unclear whether the prime minister had been informed about other recent developments, including the existence of local councils, and the fact Peter Mandelson has some interesting hobbies. Perhaps it’s safer to keep Starmer in the dark because when things go wrong, at least he can say he didn’t know anything. Personally, I find it reassuring when prime ministers are hopelessly uninformed.
Inspiringly, Starmer has rejected growing calls for his resignation, despite absolutely no one wanting him to stay, besides his donors. He insisted:
“The British people aren’t rejecting me. They’re just disappointed by the rate at which I’m doing absolutely nothing. They want me to do absolutely nothing faster and that’s what I intend to do.”
In a bold move to regain control of the narrative, Starmer has convened an emergency COBRA meeting to coordinate a more effective smear campaign against the leader of the Green Party.
“Zack Polanski and the Greens are the national security threat of our time. These people want to plant trees and insulate homes. We need a united front with the Conservatives and Reform to expose this,” Starmer explained.
When questioned by journalists, he did not rule out letting Trump use our military bases to blow up wind turbines and solar farms. Thankfully, full-scale war might not be necessary because Starmer has a plan to counter rising extremism that includes: banning millennials and gen-Z from using the internet, raising the voting age to 45, and proscribing trade unions. He has expelled Andy Burnham from the Labour Party.
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In our house we were pleasantly stunned to wake up in, and be surrounded by, an all new Green enclave. 😁
I empathize with all Britons at having to tolerate this fool. On the other hand, I often wish Trump would learn "to do absolutely nothing faster".