King Charles formally comes out as Satan, Lord of Demons
King Charles formally comes out as Satan, Lord of Demons
We need to respect his lifestyle choice
The bloke called Charles, who happens to be the British head of state due to some weird fairy story about how he inherited magic blood from his German mother and her Nazi cousin (blood so special it made his brother and uncle paedophiles), has made a dramatic announcement: he is actually Satan.
What? Stop looking at me like that! It makes about as much sense as the “right of accession” that was gained by chopping the head off the previous monarch like immortals in Highlander, so just go with it or you’ll be sent to the Tower of London!
Everything you are about to read is now official royal canon because this is the stage of the story where the writers run out of ideas and go nuts (we were going to go with a Marvel-style multiverse, but let’s be honest, that’s been overdone and the idea of multiple Charleses would be a bit much for anyone.)
Anyways, here goes…
The King of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and 14 other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, and winner of a crap-ton of medals after a fucking amazing military career in which he was basically Rambo made the announcement that he is now Satan by posing for a life-size 8.5ft-tall portrait.
The oil on canvas by Jonathan Yeo truly captured Charles in his best light: hellfire.
It has been confirmed the king of demons trimmed his horns especially for the occasion and stood in flames while the artist painted him. The king emerged unscathed, although the butterfly attempting to land on his shoulder sadly did not survive the encounter. Onlookers said they swear they could smell sausages burning for some reason.
The artist Jonathan Yeo has previously painted demons such as Kevin Spacey, Tony Blair, and Prince Philip, but undoubtedly his most impressive work was a collage of George W. Bush made from cut-outs from hardcore pornographic magazines to show the president’s moral superiority. No wonder Charles was so excited to commission him!
The king made the surprise announcement that going forwards, he intends to live inside the painting like Vigo the Carpathian because hell is awful since Margaret Thatcher privatised the furnaces and left the place about as liveable as the northeast of England. Plus, he can’t live in the UK anymore because people keep asking how come he got our thirty most expensive council houses when he is also a landlord.
Charles explained that he only intends to come out of the painting to make public appearances or tell his ginger stepson how much he hates him. The man who avoids shaking the hands of black people, and always sent Harry to Africa because he didn’t want to go there, and then got mad when Harry married a black woman, insists these are modern times and people should respect his identity and lifestyle choice.
A royal spokesperson said: “If Gen Z can have multiple genders and dye their hair blue and dress up as furry animals, it’s only fair that Charles can come out as Satan.”
The king has spent his life dressing up like something out of Lord of the Rings and he traps the souls of the victims of his empire in the jewels his family stole, so is it really such a stretch that he might actually be the king of demons? Let’s be honest, he was never that convincing as a human!
You might have been under the impression Satan was meant to be a tough guy, not some wimp who needs his butler to put a piece of paper into a bin for him, but you shouldn’t judge a book by his cover. Anyone who has seen South Park and is aware of Satan’s brief but intense romance with Saddam Hussein, knows that Satan has a soft side. Saddam, on the other hand, is an utter bastard.
Not that I’m saying Charles doesn’t have a demonic side, mind you. The signs were there when he snarled at his servant during his coronation for not passing him a quill fast enough. The servant was later beheaded for being a blithering idiot.
If anyone is concerned about Charles coming out as Satan, he has assured the public he won’t be any more ruthless towards them than his ancestors were towards their subjects in the colonies they plundered, and since we all agree the empire was brilliant, you have nothing to fear, right?
I, for one, am glad we have such a brilliant system for choosing our head of state that always ensures we get the best possible person for the role, regardless of what the public wants. Tradition is important, isn’t it? x
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I loved this - chuckled all the way through!
I remember a front page story in, I think the Daily Mirror, where Charlie boy apparently told my almost namesake, Camilla Parker-Bowles (absolutely no relation, I hope), his babe, that he had this fantasy about being her Tampax, used I assume, so this guy Jonathan Yeo, is obviously privy to inside (sorry about that) information. You can't make this stuff up, or maybe you can, his subjects still need entertaining in these grim, pre-apocalyptic times. Another good one Laura.