King Charles III urged to apologise for slavery links

Turns out our proud tradition of monarchy is not so cuddly after all

If you’re unaware, some bloke called Charles is about to be made “King” in what is officially known as a “coronation”.

For those of you who are unfamiliar, terms like “King” and “coronation” date back to a time in our history called “feudalism”. This was the less polished phase of capitalism when people chopped the heads off their rivals and the strongest feudal lord got to become “King”.

This system was known as “monarchy” (sorry to bombard you with all these confusing technical terms).

Understandably, fans of monarchy refer to it as a “proud British tradition” and would like to keep it going until we all die from climate change-induced asphyxia in 20 years. I’m unclear if monarchists want to bring back the head-chopping tradition, perhaps so they could become King themselves before the world ends.

Anyways, it turns out this tradition of monarchy wasn’t as cuddly as it initially seemed because our kings went around the world, conquering other countries to create an “empire” (so far, so good), but then it turns out they kept human beings as slaves.

Slavery, if you’ve forgotten, is a system that the woke mob have bullied conservatives into accepting as bad, even though it provided super-cheap labour for wealth-creating corporations. Basically, the only labour costs were feeding and housing the slaves, effectively treating human beings like livestock.

Slavery was abolished, thanks to the woke mob, and from that day forwards, corporations decided poor people wouldn’t get fed or housed (although they pretend to care about “human rights” - the latest leftie buzz word).

It is with this in mind, the king has been asked to apologise for his family’s links to slavery.

Now some of you might remember Edward Colston. He was the bastard who threw thousands of slaves into the sea, so naturally the British built a statue of him that stood proudly in Bristol for 125 years. This statue was rather poetically thrown into the sea by the woke mob in 2020 to the fury of racists, I mean conservatives, like Priti Patel who called it “utterly disgraceful”.

It turns out that when Edward was alive, he transferred £1,000 of shares in the slave-trading Royal African Company to King William III in 1689. This has led to many questioning whether we should throw the current king into the sea. Charles has been urged to apologise as a matter of self-preservation - and principle too. Let’s not forget principle. The man who drove his mixed race daughter-in-law and his son into exile is definitely anti-racist.

Former BBC journalist Laura Trevelyan recently apologised for her family’s links to the trans-Atlantic slave trade and said: “We’ve apologised, why can’t the King? Reckoning is coming.”

Laura’s conversion to wokeness is why she is a former BBC journalist and not a superstar BBC journalist like me. She went even further in her comments, saying:

“It’s important to acknowledge that Britain was a leading slave trader. Britain’s economic prosperity, and particularly the industrial revolution, was to some degree built on wealth accumulated through slavery.”

This is an astonishing revelation. I’d always understood our prosperity was built around “freedom”, “British values”, and the most ethical possible economic system that made us much better than poorer countries. If Laura’s hypothesis is correct, we’d better sweep it under the carpet because we can’t have the plebs knowing the truth, can we?

So far, Charles has said he will “cooperate” with a study into the royal family’s links to slavery, but he has fallen short of apologising, presumably because he is fondly attached to our proud traditions.

Therefore, I propose we let the public challenge Charles to a duel in an Aldi carpark and charge people £19.99 to watch it live on DAZN. It would generate more money than the royal family ever did through tourism and the winner could keep the crown, kind of like a championship belt! Personally, I could not think of a more democratic way of choosing our head of state x

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