King Charles is getting the hungry children's money
Thankfully, we have our priorities in order
If you were concerned the country can’t find the money to feed hungry school children, you will be delighted we’ve found the money to increase King Charles’ Universal Credit by 45%. Charles, the UK’s biggest ever welfare recipient, will receive £125 million a year, which is what the average household needs to cope with the after-effects of Liz Truss.
The government has confirmed essential workers will only get a 6% pay rise because their work is much less important than the hard work Charles doesn’t do.
Our 74-year-old king maintains a tireless schedule which includes meeting foreign dignitaries, such as a llama called Larry in a strange land called “Wales”. Personally, I can’t think of anything more important.
Last year, Charles had to scrape by with £85 million of Universal Credit so it’s fantastic to see his hard work will finally be rewarded because he is better than everyone else and so is his family.
Not everyone understands Charles’ family is better than everyone else though. A tennis fan called James Bond caused controversy by refusing to stand up at Wimbledon to shake the hand of Charles’ daughter-in-law. No, not the outcast who The Daily Mail taught us to hate, the other one with an acceptable royal skin tone.
Charles’ acceptable family members don’t fancy getting jobs so Charles has to pay for the upkeep of their palaces and you can imagine how high the heating bills are. It’s just as well Charles has the other jobless person’s income stream of being a landlord and this boosted his earnings by £26.2 million last year.
Charles also has a side-hustle of leasing his (our) land to offshore wind farms because it’s important the self-made billionaire profits from our efforts to tackle the climate crisis.
Even better, Charles makes £1 billion a year from his duchies, and I have no idea what duchies are, but I’m sure he totally works hard for this money.
In case you’re unclear, this is what meritocracy looks like.
It’s understood Charles needs these funds to cover the cost of any future sex scandals involving the prince who visited Jeffrey Epstein while he was under house arrest for a sex offence. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel warm inside to see we’ve finally got our priorities in order.
If my maths is correct, Charles’ income would be enough to lift 750,000 children out of poverty, but I’d much rather the money went to the man who wears fancy dress. Thankfully, both political parties agree. I say “both” because I’ve heard rumours about another party called the “Liberal Democrats”, but I’m pretty sure they’re made up.
We all know the Tories are child-starving bastards, but Labour has welcomed in a 12-year-old Oxford graduate who proudly backs child starvation. I don’t know about you, but I think making a child an MP to back child starvation is a tactical masterstroke.
Nobody can call Labour anti-child now because child starvation is what the children who matter want for the children who don’t. I’m sure you will be pleased to know there is no two-child cap in place for MPs.
Working class parents get £40 a week for their first child, £24 a week for their second child, and their third child has to rummage through school bins for leftovers.
MPs can claim £104 a week for each of their children because they count as human beings whereas working class children are not considered sentient. This political consensus is not going to change at the next election, regardless of who wins x
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Totally true. Obscene.
Here's a new idea -
Instead of ALWAYS punishing the poor with higher interest rates
We ashould INCREASE CORPORATE TAXES EVERY TIME COMPANIES RAISES PRICES
Even the greediest shareholders will understand that
And btw, the King can easily pay his own fucking way.
You nailed it Laura. It is about priorities, conscious choices, whether made by Tories or Labour. Equally obscene either way. How do they look at their own children? It’s the othering thing isn’t it!