King Charles orders family to forget about Prince Andrew's crimes

This is such a touching family reunion

Prince Andrew, who used £13 million of your money to pay off his rape accuser, who he’d definitely never met, despite being photographed with his arm around her when she was 17, has been welcomed back into the royal fold. This is because it’s essential the royal family upholds proud British values and traditions.

Prince Andrew was so excited by the decision, he immediately called his mate, Jeffrey Epstein, who is spending his suicide on a tropical island surrounded by sex slaves. Andrew then issued a message of support to fellow victim of the #metoo movement, Andrew Tate, advising him to “stay strong”.

Now that Andrew has avoided the humiliation of a full trial in the US (which would have tested his inability to sweat to the limit), it’s important we act like nothing happened because this family is much better than yours.

The bloke called Charles, who was recently made king, has told senior royals that Prince Andrew will no longer be left in the cold, meaning the only royal exile is the ginger one who married a black American woman who had the audacity to earn her wealth through talent and hard work. Obviously, this is not the royal way.

Prince William was ordered by King Charles to drive Prince Andrew to church last Sunday, however, William was told that if he encounters Prince Harry at any point, he must spit on him and call security. This is because Harry crossed a line that he can never come back from.

During the ride, Kate sat in the back of the car, visibly furious as she clutched her pepper spray and threatened to “rip that bastard’s nuts off” if he ever went near her daughter. As you can imagine, this was not the most comfortable of journeys.

Prince William is understood to be upset by his father’s decision because it’s “ridiculous” that a man like Andrew is eighth in line to the throne, meaning he is one plane crash away from becoming our king. Whose idea was it to choose our head of state this way, anyway?

It’s understood Andrew did not participate in the church service or appear on the palace balcony because he was too busy handing out money to women he’d never met. He’s super nice like that.

It’s understood Charles sought advice from his close friend, Sir Jimmy Saville, and his mother’s cousin, Lord Mountbatten, via seance, before coming to the decision to rehabilitate his creepy brother.

A royal source said: “The king feels he has an awful lot on his in-tray and this is one issue he wants to draw a line under.”

NOTE: If you’re ever feeling stressed, a useful tip is to pretend your paedo brother isn’t a paedo and order your family members to pretend he is not a paedo. This will make you feel much better.

Given the stress they’ve endured, the king and queen are vacationing in the Scottish highlands to take a break from their gruelling schedule which involves vacationing in their other palaces and having butlers put toothpaste on their toothbrushes. However, Andrew is hard at work doing whatever it is Andrew does for a living (it’s probably best we don’t find out).

A royal source told me Andrew is “thrilled” that blackmailing the king by threatening to “tell all” has worked in his favour and that this is “more than he could have wished for.”

Obviously, there is no suggestion King Sausage Fingers has anything to hide and this is a super-normal family that totally deserves the collection of jewels it looted from Africa, Asia and the Caribbean, worth £5 billion.

This touching family reunion comes a year after Andrew was stripped of his military titles by his mother for hanging out with a known sex trafficker on his rape island. This was clearly a massive injustice because any man who earned eight medals must have been fucking Rambo on the battlefield.

Thankfully, I’m told Prince Andrew has been allowed to keep the necklace he made from his enemy’s ears, as well as his titles of Duke of York and Earl of Inverness, much to the dismay of York and Inverness x

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