King Charles says money he took from billionaire not corruption

It turns out the king has super-nice friends

King Charles says there is a totally legitimate reason why he was taking six-figure payments from an Australian businessman called Anthony Pratt, you’re just not allowed to know what it is. Charles explained he told the billionaire to stop paying him before he became king because he “didn’t want the appearance of anything” like corruption, for example.

This was obviously a sensible move. Charles had already agreed to knight Saudi billionaire Mahfouz Marei Mubarak and help him get British citizenship in exchange for money. This is because Charles is so poor, he lives in 27 council houses on state benefits and needs all the help he can get.

Thankfully, Charles proved he was innocent of wrongdoing by letting his servant Michael Fawcett take the blame and sacking him. Personally, I would have beaten Fawcett with a polo mallet and fed him to the corgis to send out a message.

Charles insists this latest billionaire won’t be getting a knighthood for at least six months when this thing has all blown over. He explained he has no plans to sack any servants unless the public kicks off again.

Pratt made his last payment to Charles of £182,000 and was secretly recorded boasting: “My superpower is that I am rich, so I am useful to him, right?” Charles agreed it’s very useful to have a rich person giving you money just because they are super-nice. He said: “Everyone should have their own billionaire who wants to have a cup of tea with them once a year in exchange for absolutely nothing.”

In order to avoid looking corrupt, it turns out Charles asked Pratt to stop paying him directly and make donations to his charity instead. To be clear, this was not a form of money laundering and was definitely legal.

Pratt is a respectable businessman who hangs around with all the nicest people and his character cannot be questioned. For example, he used to be a regular at the Mar-a-Lago resort that belongs to American intellectual Donald Trump. You might not remember him, but Trump was US president for a few years and Pratt gave him £200,000 because he really wanted to hang out with him. I mean who wouldn’t enjoy the charm and charisma of President Pussy Grabber?

Pratt has confirmed that Trump asked Melania to walk around the pool in a bikini so the “other guys could get a look at what they were missing”. Unfortunately, Melania told him to get lost because she only strips for the hot pool guy when her husband is at work.

Pratt says Trump had a few drinks and told him and the guys classified information about American submarines, but Trump denied this on incel safe space Truth Social.

In a totally sober post, Trump called Pratt a “red haired weirdo from Australia” and explained he only spoke to him about jobs in Ohio and Pennsylvania, not submarines. He explained he only shares classified military secrets with Russia and China because they pay him more money.

“How much do they pay?” the official account of King Charles replied, adding: “I need some money to redecorate one of the palaces.”

He then followed up with: “Shit, that was supposed to be a DM. How do I delete?” x

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