Labour leader launches unexpected policy blitz

Nobody was ready for this...

Ladies and gentlemen, meet your next prime minister, Sir Keith Thatcher.

Isn’t he lovely?

I can exclusively reveal that Sir Keith plans to defeat his mirror image, Margaret Sunak, at the 2024 general election with the inspiring message that nothing will ever change. Ever.

Shadow health secretary and private healthcare lobbyist, Wes Screeching, recently said: “The only thing worse than no hope is false hope,” and this is why Labour is offering no hope. Shoutout to all the people privileged enough to feel relieved by this news!

A common attack line against Sir Keith is that he doesn’t have any policies, but he’s put that claim to bed with a policy blitz that includes not lifting the two-child cap on benefits that pushed millions of families into poverty.

The aim of the two-child policy is to force parents in larger families into work. This makes perfect sense because the more children you have, the more spare time you have. Anyone who has never been a parent understands this, as does anyone rich enough to afford a nanny.

The current rules cost families over £60 a week per child and I don’t know about you, but I’ve never met a hungry child who would appreciate £60 of food. Actually, I’ve never met a hungry child, but I’m still qualified to lecture you about them. I mean why would kids need their childhood to be remotely pleasant?

Let’s keep childhood as miserable as possible. After all, we British are utter bastards who believe in fair play.

As everyone knows, poor people should not be allowed more than two children and really should be sterilised. The next best solution to sterilisation is to punish the children. Who cares if families were living comfortably before a change of circumstances left them needing help? Who cares if the working class conceive a baby by accident? Or, I don’t know, have twins maybe.

If you have more than two children for whatever reason and something bad happens like a Trussosaurus doubles your mortgage to save the economy, YOU DESERVE POVERTY AND SO DO YOUR KIDS.

Impoverishing the working class is obviously preferable to taxing the rich. I don’t know about you, but I’m thrilled we finally have a Labour leader who understands this.

It’s not like many kids are affected by this policy - only about 1 in 10 or 1.5 million - and they’ll be conscripted into World War III anyway, so who cares? What matters is rich people don’t pay tax until the world burns and money loses value because no one is alive to spend (apart from Thérèse Coffey who is immune to radiation).

Obviously, everyone agrees with Sir Keith’s latest policy, apart from Shadow Work and Pensions Secretary, Jonathan Ashworth, who called the two-child cap “heinous” and said it was “absolutely keeping children in poverty”.

Quick, someone throw Jonathan Ashworth into the memory hole before he tells the truth again! We can’t have neoliberals growing a conscience, can we?

I’m not bragging or anything, but I spoke to Sir Keith Thatcher on my brilliant TV show which is named after me because I’m brilliant. Anyway, Sir Keith forgot to feign sadness when he said lifting the cap would cost £1.3 billion and would be unaffordable, due to the state of the economy.

We might be able to spend £205 billion on submarine-launched ballistic missiles armed with thermonuclear warheads that can vaporise millions of civilians whose dictator we don’t like in a femtosecond, leaving us celebrating in a global-warming-solving nuclear winter as tumours grow from our eyeballs and our extremities flake off like we have leprosy, but we definitely can’t feed the kids, okay?

Nuclear war is the only affordable way of fighting the climate crisis so get any silly ideas of solar and wind farms out of your head, right now. Those plans have been postponed for 18 months, I mean indefinitely, I mean what plans? What the hell are you talking about? Shut up.

"I'd do this differently by growing the economy. We have to grow, grow, grow our economy," Sir Keith explained, malfunctioning as his CPU failed to retrieve the final part of the badly-scripted sentence.

It’s important to understand we can’t spend until the economy grows and the economy can’t grow until we spend. Obviously, this means the solution to austerity is more austerity. Just, whatever you do, don’t mention this to Sir Keith Thatcher’s predecessor, Sir Keir Starmer, a leftie bastard who was vocally opposed to austerity.

Horrible leftie Sir Keir Starmer even pledged to scrap the two-child limit and benefits cap when he was running to become Labour leader.

Some weirdos insist Sir Keith is still secretly planning to do this, right after he rejoins the EU without telling anyone.

“Don’t worry, he’s just lying to appeal to Tory voters to get elected like he lied to Labour members to become leader!” Personally, I love how Sir Keith’s fans are okay with a politician telling lies to get elected! This is Grownup Politics™ and anyone who tells the truth should be ridiculed and made an outcast.

Anyway, best throw Sir Keir Starmer into the memory hole where someone who isn’t called Jonathan Ashworth can be heard screaming for help. He sounds in pain…

Okay, there, Sir Keir Starmer never existed. Phew.

Everyone who disagrees with Sir Keith Thatcher is a massive leftie who must be purged from the Labour Party, even his latest critics who are on the, um, right of the Labour Party. Everyone who matters (me and Rupert Murdoch) finds Sir Keith vaguely tolerable - and that’s what’s going on the front pages of The S*n in the buildup to the 2024 election:

Vote for Sir Keith, he is vaguely tolerable!

Sir Keith is officially keeping more Tory policies than Labour policies. This is because he has ditched all Labour policies and plans to keep 98% of Tory policies. Labour shadow chancellor, the charismatic robot-in-a-wig Rachel Reeves, even pledged to mirror the Tories’ spending plans last week. Now I’m no expert on Labour voters, but I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what they want: Tory spending plans.

If you’re wondering why I’m smirking, I’m picturing a million Labour activists with tears in their eyes in 2024. Tears of joy, of course. Lack of change is what they’re absolutely desperate for x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x