Lee Anderson hails the Turd Reich at the Nat-C conference

It was even better than yesterday

I know you’re all thinking nothing could possibly top the last two days, but I’ve been at the Nat-C History Museum again today and it was jaw-dropping stuff.

Never have the Great Replacement Theory’s finest nut-jobs come together in one place and put on a show like they did today. It was truly a masterclass in saying the quiet part loud.

The guests gathered in creepy blue lighting with a monstrous skeleton overhead, prompting commentators to draw comparisons with the Alien movies, but I can confirm the vibe was more like the caves of Mordor where orcs are created. At one point, I saw Ann Widdecombe climb out of a vat of tar and demand a cheese sandwich. It was spectacular, but the show did not truly begin until your favourite imperialist, David Starkey, stepped to the stage. The historian who once insisted “slavery wasn’t genocide because there are so many damn blacks” and “Enoch Powell was right, the whites have become black” was determined to show his anti-racist credentials and put the woke mob in their place.

David helpfully explained Black Lives Matter: “do not care about black lives. They only care about the symbolic destruction of white culture.” This is an astute observation from the renowned historian who understands that historically white people have been the biggest victims of racism. At last, someone is speaking the inverted truth. Keep punching down, David. Keep punching down.

“The reason the left have such ire for the Jews is jealousy. They want to replace the holocaust with slavery in order to wield its legacy as a weapon against western culture,” David screeched, squeezing one eye shut, the other one burning like the eye of Sauron.

Thankfully, David was not finished unveiling this fiendish BLM plot to enslave Jews and he repeated himself like his faculties are failing him. It’s important to emphasise western culture is the victim here. Let’s just agree never to mention which culture was responsible for both slavery and the holocaust because things could get awkward.

When David finished his impressive performance in the Crimes Against Humanity Olympics, another historian who no one’s heard of called Nigel Biggar spewed out his own inflammatory wisdom:

"I fear, indeed I loathe, the inhumane, impatient perfectionists, whether they are Maoists or agents of Islamic State or twittering social justice warriors."

Thank you, Nigel, for reminding the world that people campaigning for social justice are morally equivalent to IS, that was super-helpful and your lack of filter is greatly appreciated.

As you can see, day three of the conference began with a heartwarming Nat-C love-fest, but it wasn’t all harmonious.

Lord Frosty (the man who is furious with his own Brexit deal) accused bipedal invertebrate Michael Gove of a "dangerous and counterproductive intrusion into private property" through his rent reforms. He even laid into Rishi Sunak on the basis he is a massive leftie for wanting to end no-fault evictions. Frosty is really tapping into the zeitgeist here.

Overwhelmingly, the public want to see more no-fault evictions because they’re brilliant for everyone who matters. Sadly, Michael and Rishi won’t think of the poor landlords.

Lord Frosty jubilantly insisted the Nat-C conference has sent the left into “paroxysms of rage to quite a ludicrous extent,” adding: “Go through Twitter and read these streams and you won’t find a more humourless bunch of people in this country.”

Lord Frosty then lavished praise on the “perfectly normal and widely-supported ideas” articulated by his fellow speakers. I bet not a single one of that humourless bunch is laughing, right now. This is because Twitterers are hate-filled and miserable, unlike the grey-skinned men in the audience who were, um, stone cold silent. It was unclear if they’d just dug themselves out of a grave or were ready to be laid into one, but either way, they were definitely representative of the British public and “perfectly normal”.

At some point during the conference when half the audience had dozed off, knocker obsessive Toby Young staggered onto the stage and said absolutely nothing of interest so he was roundly ignored. It was quite embarrassing to be honest. Thankfully, the crowd was woken by the intellectual might of Darren “crafty wank” Grimes who was invited so the Nat-Cs can pretend they don’t hate gays, northerners and under-60s.

Crafty beautifully articulated that Tony Blair and David Cameron represented "two cheeks of the same behind" and then caused controversy by declaring war on the king! Crafty rallied the confused crowd by screaming: “It’s incredibly foolish of people like the king to support the evil of net-zero!”

At this point, a panic-stricken Daily Mail journalist couldn’t decide which side to take and exploded, creating quite a mess.

As the chunks of Daily Mail journalist were cleaned up, another speaker I didn’t recognise insisted 200,000 abortions a year are “too many”, which appeared to be a not-so-subtle dig at Boris Johnson, or perhaps a plea for him to use contraception. If only his father did…

Once the unknown speaker stopped rambling, the show was closed in spectacular fashion by nutritionist and lifestyle guru Lee Anderson who stepped to the stage with the demeanour of a man who yells at pigeons, too drunk to realise he’s peed himself.

Sadly, Lee did not yell at any pigeons today, he actually yelled at his fellow Nat-Cs who think “it’s all about them” and angrily reminded everyone it was Brexit that won the red wall and ushered in the Turd Reich.

The Turd Reich was unquestionably the Nat-Cs proudest achievement and the perfect note on which to end things.

Until next year x

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