Lisa Nandy hopes to ban Glastonbury and change BBC leadership for Israel
This should increase her chance of becoming prime minister
As babies starve to death in Gaza, due to lack of milk formula, Lisa Nandy is deeply concerned that Glastonbury and the BBC are not sufficiently pro-Israel.
Briefing notes show the culture secretary plans to tell her boss, Tzipi Hotoveli, that Glastonbury needs to be investigated for hosting "vile, inflammatory views", and that the BBC is "institutionally antisemitic".
Now I know what you're all thinking, that last point is so idiotic that even I couldn't find a way to parody it, but you greatly underestimate my powers!
Just because the BBC has apologised for a documentary that humanised Palestinian children and refused to air a documentary about Palestinian doctors and refused to air footage of Kneecap and is facing a staff revolt over its pro-Israel bias and has a whole Raffi Berg censoring its output and even got an IDF general to train its staff on hasbara, does not mean the BBC is sufficiently pro-Israel. Occasionally, the BBC lets glimpses of the truth slip through and that is fucking unacceptable.
Nandy cares about antisemitism so much that she has likened criticism of the IDF to criticism of all Jews, which means the IDF is above criticism. It does not, however, mean that all Jews are responsible for the actions of the IDF. Conflating all Jews with the IDF is antisemitic, but it's also antisemitic to not do this. I hope you're keeping up!
If you're one of the people who say "death, death to the IDF", Nandy has explained you are wishing death upon all Israeli children. No, this is not because Nandy is a fucking idiot! It's because she has been selected to replace Sir Keir Starmer as prime minister and she is showing that she understands the assignment.
Nandy's meeting with Hotoveli tomorrow is a job interview and I'm told she has some exciting plans to impress her boss. These plans include banning Glastonbury and replacing it with an annual "Zionfest" with acts selected by Israel. Only the coolest acts like Madonna and Bono will be allowed to perform at Zionfest.
All acts will be expected to sign a pledge of allegiance to Israel to ensure they don't find their conscience and object to genocide on stage. Any musicians who object to genocide will be banned from performing anywhere forever.
As if Zionfest wasn't exciting enough, Nandy plans to replace the leadership of the BBC because its pro-Israel censors weren't effective enough. I'm told Raffi Berg is a broken man.
The most gifted hasbarists, who don't allow the slightest glimmer of the truth, are to be put in charge of the BBC's news output. GB News is understood to be furious that the BBC plans to poach its staff.
Nandy is confident that by banning the most popular and conscientious music acts, she will become infinitely more popular with the youth, and the fad of caring about genocide will soon pass. This will position her to take over from Sir Keir Starmer and become the UK's last ever Labour prime minister. Exciting times x
Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x
Nandy cares about antisemitism so much that she has likened criticism of the IDF to criticism of all Jews, which means the IDF is above criticism. It does not, however, mean that all Jews are responsible for the actions of the IDF. Conflating all Jews with the IDF is antisemitic, but it's also antisemitic to not do this. I hope you're keeping up!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Gosh, I underestimate Laura's powers every time.