Liz Truss flies to Taiwan to save them from China

Unfortunately for Liz, China has a secret weapon...

If you were concerned that tensions between China and the west could lead to Word War III, you will be hugely relieved to hear Liz Truss is flying to Taiwan to sort things out. I must point out Liz is not travelling in an official capacity, she is going entirely on ego, much to the horror of Taiwan, but she is confident this trip will go as well as her efforts to open up Chinese pork markets. Perhaps, this time Liz might finally close the deal and save the UK from Brexit. We can but hope.

Liz is confident she can save us from Brexit and hold off nuclear armageddon as expertly as she prevented war in Ukraine when she mixed up Russian regions with Ukrainian regions and said Russia can’t have them.

“​​The UK will never recognise Russian sovereignty over these regions,” Liz insisted without the slightest clue what she was shrieking about. Personally, I don’t understand how her diplomatic efforts failed. It can only be the anti-growth coalition again.

I understand Liz is planning to put China in its place by telling officials they can’t have Beijing and Shanghai, unless we can have 5% of their pigs. I’m sure this will impress everyone, not least the Taiwanese who are one diplomatic gaffe away from catastrophe.

Thankfully for Taiwan, Liz is the master of gaffes.

There was the time Liz insisted people hadn’t changed their minds on Brexit and the interviewer pointed out, Liz had changed her mind to which she sheepishly conceded: “That’s true”.

There was the time Liz said she couldn’t remember how many of the 200,000 promised homes the Tories had built and Andrew Neil pointed out the number was “zero”.

There was the time Liz tried to play to a crowd in Gloucestershire by saying: “We need to get on with delivering the small modular nuclear reactors which we produce here in… Derbyshire.”

And then there was the time Liz delivered the greatest speech of all time:

“At the moment we import two-thirds of our apples. We import nine-tenths of all of our pears. We import two-thirds of our cheese.

“That. Is. A. Disgrace.”

Shockingly, this speech was not followed by rapturous applause.

The chair of the Foreign Affairs Select Committee, Alicia Kearns, has called Liz’s trip to Taiwan: “The worst kind of Instagram diplomacy,” by which I’m sure she means “the best”. Just wait until the Chinese witness Liz’s ability to grin idiotically while wearing hats. Just wait until they witness her ability to forget what she was saying mid-sentence. Just wait until they see how many likes she can get on Instagram. That’ll show them.

Liz says she is making her trip to show “solidarity” with Taiwan, although it’s unclear what the Taiwanese have done to deserve her “solidarity”. I understand the Chinese and Taiwanese are equally concerned Liz might try to run one of their economies, but worryingly, the Chinese have a secret weapon - a lettuce.

The lettuce could prove a formidable foe in negotiations, and given that a lettuce outlasted Liz as prime minster, it’s unclear she has the ability to win this rematch. Fortunately for Liz, the one thing she lacks is self-awareness - even more so than the lettuce - and this gives her an unwarranted sense of self-confidence.

Liz recently paid a visit to the US where she addressed right-wing nutters at The Heritage Foundation and they rapturously applauded when she insisted she was right about everything.

It’s unclear if they, or Liz, feel that wrecking the UK economy in just 7 days was a good thing or it was all the fault of the anti-growth coalition. We still don’t know if Liz believes in economic suicide or has decided she is now the world’s foremost expert at preventing economic suicide, having learned firsthand how not to do things. Either way, I believe in her.

Liz might have previously been destroyed by the antigrowth coalition in just 44 days, but now she’s dealing with the government with the best growth in the world, I’m absolutely certain she’s not out of her depth. She’d have to step in a puddle for that to happen x

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