Liz Truss saves the Tory conference from chronic boredom

It has been an emotional day

She’s back.

Just when you’d given up hope she would return as GBeebies foretold, the greatest prime minister of all time has arrived to save the Tory conference from chronic boredom with a new slogan:

“Make Britain grow again”

Yes, Liz intends to combine double-digit inflation with Trumpism. In other words, triple-digit inflation! There’s just no stopping her.

No matter how many times she’s defeated by an intellectually-superior lettuce, she rises and her wounds heal like she is composed of mimetic polyalloy, or maybe just thick-skinned, or maybe just thick. Either way, the Trussbot is essentially indestructible.

It’s unclear if we are witnessing the original Liz-1000 or another model that made a “chrono-displacement time jump” into the worst point in British history (so far) to somehow make it even worse. All I know is this could not be more exciting.

I understand Liz spent months practising her lines to avoid sounding like a Stephen Hawking speech generator and now she’s even more charismatic than Rishi Sunak. Hard to believe, I know.

Her speech was full of substance and ambition with original thoughts like: “We need businesses to expand and create new ideas”.

Disappointingly, she held off on suggesting we should make the economy good by doing good things goodly. I guess that would have been too technical and in-depth for Tory voters to process. However, she did insist we should cut bills, which is interesting considering she’s the one who tripled everyone’s bills. Only the greatest leaders can promise to undo the crimes they committed and expect applause. But get applause she did, from several spectators who I’m not even sure count as living organisms.

It’s no wonder Liz was generating so much excitement, considering she boasted the Tories have delayed the ban on cars. Yes, the Tories want credit for scrapping their own bad policy that was never a policy in the first place! Labour would never have made such a bold move and this is why they can’t be trusted.

Liz vowed to do what everyone is crying out for: save corporations from tax by returning their tax rate to 19%, something which didn’t work last time but will work this time. She went on: “Frankly, if we can get it lower, the better.” At this point, three pensions funds fainted and our inflation rate overtook Zimbabwe’s, but Liz still wasn’t done.

She kindly explained trickle-down economics to help you idiots understand it’s good when corporations piss on you:

“Because what we know is when businesses are able to keep more of those funds, the future comes from, it’s where the opportunities come from, it’s where the jobs come from.”

Let’s ignore the appalling syntax. I think Liz was trying to explain the future is where she comes from, proving my original hypothesis. Unfortunately, she malfunctioned mid-sentence and the announcement lost its impact, but the point is trickledown economics works, regardless of what reality says.

Liz lamented Britain has seen a huge flight out of the UK of high net-worth individuals (the third-highest rate in the world). She insisted this is because we abandoned Trussonomics rather than because we tried it in the first place. A bold assertion but a convincing one.

“We need to be hungry… to get those businesses back. We need to be hungry… to attract business to our country,” Liz argued.

Well, people are certainly hungry, Liz. Three million used a food bank last year so if hunger is the solution, I take it that’s problem solved!

Just as well because at this point, Liz started to slur like she was having a stroke, leading many to suspect she’d been on a bender with Nadine again.

I couldn’t make out much from then on, but I did catch that she wants us to extract our own gas, offering the false dichotomy the alternative is gas from dictators. It’s almost like she has no idea wind and solar exist, but then again, she is from a time when humanity is close to extinction and wants to finish us off.

“We have 50 years’ worth of natural gas. Can you imagine what would happen if we unleashed that?” she asked in a big fuck you to every child on Earth.

She ended her speech by mimicking the voice of John Connor’s foster-mother, saying: “Wolfie’s fine, honey,” to rapturous applause from the evil robots in the audience x

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