Liz Truss says she was brought down by deep state, not lettuce

I'm unclear why the lettuce is being let off the hook...

The greatest prime minister ever (Liz Truss) has explained she was not brought down by the fiercest intellect of our time (the lettuce), she was actually brought down by something called “the deep state”. If it wasn’t for the deep state, Liz’s reign of terror would not have come to an end and you wouldn’t have a pension fund. Or a home.

Liz was speaking to the only people who still listen to her: far-right disaster capitalists at the Gaylord National Resort & Convention Center, which is the perfect location for a gathering of the most homophobic people in the world.

Liz was attending the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) alongside such luminaries as Nigel Farage and Steve Bannon, and a load of people wearing MAGA hats who failed to “make America great again” last time around. CPAC has previously attracted sensible conservatives such as Viktor Orban and Jair Bolsanaro, which shows you just how prestigious it isn’t.

The stated goal of CPAC is to prevent the globalist takeover of sovereign nations by completely destroying sovereign nations and ruling over the ashes. If we are to leap out of the frying pan, we can only leap into the fire it seems, but you should know that fire is called “freedom” and only a traitor would disagree!

Liz was introduced to the stage by a moderator who clearly knows nothing about Liz (or Margaret Thatcher) because he explained that when Liz was prime minister for an epic 43 days: “there was a collective cheer in the conservative movement in the United States saying, wow, Margaret Thatcher is back!”

Liz, who’d been practising hard to read from a script without taking random 5-second pauses, entered the stage to deliver the most rousing speech since the time she got really angry that Britain imports two-thirds of its cheese. (It was a disgrace then and it’s a disgrace now.)

Arch-remainer Liz explained she wanted to “take back control as people talked about in the Brexit referendum” because one of her biggest strengths is she has no shame and she knew no one in the room would call her out. Liz rambled about Quangos and told the few people who could keep their eyes open that “what you find is a democratically-elected government actually unable to enact policies.”

Liz neglected to mention she was “democratically-elected” by 100,000 geriatric Tories from southern England who stare at pictures of Queen Elizabeth II all day. The rest of the UK did not get to vote on whether to let Liz destroy the country like a Godzilla monster aimlessly trampling over people’s homes and livelihoods because it didn’t know where the fuck it was or how it got there.

Liz became prime minister entirely by accident because she was the only person saying anything different to the other candidates who’d spent over a decade destroying the country, and even Tory members wanted change, no matter how stupid the ideas were. Liz’s ideas appealed to Tory members because they confirmed their beliefs would have been right all along, if only they were allowed to go far enough.

Everyone else in the UK was horrified the Tories went in the opposite direction to what they wanted, but thankfully, Liz was too sensible to call an election because she would have been wiped out faster than Kwasi Kwarteng could wipe out your pension fund.

During her rousing speech, Liz complained the state wasn’t delivering, which left everyone in the room confused because the state isn’t supposed to deliver anything, the free market is supposed to deliver everything, and if the free market can’t deliver for you, you’re supposed to die. Those are the rules.

Liz explained that Quangos “don’t really care about the prospects of the average person in Britain.” This left everyone doubly confused because they don’t care about average people either and they didn’t understand Liz was using a clever technique called “bullshitting”. She was pretending to care to make herself popular again because, right now, everyone outside of CPAC thinks she’s an idiot.

Liz was particularly angry at the deep state for not letting her implement her mini-budget because she’d somehow forgotten she did implement every part of her mini-budget and that was the problem.

Even I wasn’t sure how Liz could blame the deep state for her mini-budget failing, but she cleverly pretended it was the fault of the two groups everyone in the room hates: trans activists and environmental extremists. Now I’m gonna level with you, even I had no idea these people were the deep state now. When did this happen?

“They sabotaged my efforts in Britain to cut taxes, reduce the size of government and restore democratic accountability,” Liz explained, and if this doesn’t turn you against trans activists and environmental extremists, I don’t know what will.

Just know it’s definitely not Liz who was wrong, it’s the people who lost their homes and livelihoods and everyone who objected to that. The anti-growth coalition are such unreasonable idiots.

Liz rallied the crowd against the “agents of the left”, meaning everyone to the left of Liz, who’ve infiltrated and taken over our institutions. Only Liz could save the markets, even though she was utterly rejected by the markets because most corporatists understand that even the rules that benefit them could hinder them if they go too far.

Liz’s nonsense got rapturous applause from the one person in the audience who was still paying attention (me) and then she was followed by Steve Bannon who announced his vision for the future where “every day will be like Stalingrad,” which caused even more confusion because no one is sure if we’re supposed to be for or against Russia now x

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