Man celebrates first birthday 74 years after his birth
You will never guess who paid for the party
A man called Charles celebrated his first birthday today, a whopping 74 years after he was born. It is understood Charles is the world’s oldest one year old and easily one of the most mature.
Scientists have marvelled at how this one year old can hold a conversation and walk with reasonable confidence, but they cautioned he looks quite rough for a one year old, and although he loves fancy dress, he’s not yet learned to dress himself. It’s unclear if he still wears nappies.
Impressively, Charles sat on a horse today, proving to the enraptured crowd that he can sit on a horse. Soulless eyes were transfixed by the ride as the sycophants watched from the sidelines; their faces straining to express something resembling a smile.
“It’s brilliant,'“ one of them told me in a monotone.
“It’s brilliant,” the others droned in unison.
It’s unclear what exactly was brilliant so I faked a smile, turned to the camera and repeated: “It’s brilliant,” like I was participating in the group think of a scary cult.
I was later told no one in the family had sat on a horse since Charles’ mam in 1986 when “Spirit in the Sky” by Doctor and the Medics was number one and George Michael had just ditched his backing singer to become a solo artist. What’s that? No one gives a shit. Oh, sorry.
For some reason, this Charles bloke called his super-expensive party (that you’re paying for) “Trooping the Colour”, unaware that’s not a thing. Normal people just call them birthdays, but since this bloke isn’t used to having birthdays, he got confused and gave his birthday a name. I hope this doesn’t catch on.
It was a beautiful day at Buckingham Palace as a parade of serious men wore fancy dress with bearskin hats and stamped their feet, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t boring. The half of the family who Charles hasn’t disowned watched from a balcony to ensure they weren’t contaminated by poor people and they looked bored shitless, apart from a kid called Louis who kept throwing his fists in the air like he comes from a council estate. Personally, I would give him an Asbo.
At one point, the dozing grannies were woken by military jets, bringing back fond memories of the empire - not the Star Wars one - a crime syndicate controlled by Charles’ family who looted half the world because they really like bling. I hear Charles’ mother was worse than Darth Vader and India got nervous she was coming to steal their jewels again.
You might think the empire is dead, but 332 people were just given British Empire Medals, 471 were given Medals of the Order of the British Empire, and 236 were given Orders of the British Empire. It’s like the crime family were rubbing their former colonies’ noses in it!
Thankfully, imperialism has gone woke and Charles’ servants were quick to point out that 50% of the medallists are women, 23% are poor (shudder) and 11% come from ethnic minorities. This is the first time they’ve remembered half the population are women, poor people are sentient, and other ethnicities exist so they would like some brownie points.
Once upon a time, Charles’ family exempted themselves from equality laws so they didn’t have to hire black and brown people, but now they’ve decided they can mildly tolerate them. Lovely.
The man who once called Sir Jimmy Savile his close friend and trusted adviser is clearly an impeccable judge of character and couldn’t have chosen the medallists better. Davina McCall was given an award for services to shouting at cameras and Ian Wright was given an award for kicking a football in his younger days. Sir Keir Starmer shouted from the crowd: “I’ve got one of those!” but the grannies shushed him and his wife stepped to the side like she didn’t know him.
It’s unclear if Charles was giving out awards because he’s been caught in a scandal and is about to resign like Boris Johnson did, but then again, I don’t think Charles has a job to resign from, so who knows what was going on? All I know is people got titles added to their names so they can pretend they are better than others because the crime family gave them a medal. I’m still waiting for them to call me Dame. I think it will suit me!
At the end of the birthday, the serious men in fancy dress, who had the skin of murdered bears on their heads, decided to fire their guns in the air to remind everyone they’re not to be fucked with. It was the most exciting part of the day because I knew it was finally ending and I couldn’t wait to go to the pub.
I understand Charles enjoyed his first birthday so much, he’s decided he will have two birthdays a year to catch up on all the birthdays he’s missed. I hope to god I can get out of covering the next one x
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Such a pretty picture you paint. It's like I was almost there...throwing eggs at the racist rich people standing in the balcony.
Too funny. It’s so good to laugh at all the absurdity of the work. 🤣