Man with diamonds on his crown discusses cost of living crisis
He could not have been a more perfect choice
A bloke called Charles was taken to a palace in a horse-drawn carriage today, wearing an imperial state crown with 2,868 diamonds, which made him the perfect person to discuss the cost of living crisis.
Charles delivered his “king’s speech” with all the enthusiasm of Diana on the night she had to consummate their marriage. Sadly, Charles could not get out of this one by faking a headache, so he reluctantly signalled Rishi Sunak’s ambitious plans ("ambitious" meaning the prime minister will do well to be in the job in 12 months).
The king’s speech was somehow even weirder than usual because there was a Covid inquiry-sized elephant in the room, trumpeting that Rishi and his government are guilty of mass murder. This led to panic at Scotland Yard as police desperately searched for excuses not to prosecute.
Fortunately, the inquiry was not too critical of Rishi - he was only the man who caused Covid cases to spike with his Eat Out to Help Out scheme. The prime minister before him took most of the blame because he didn’t even know when he was at his own birthday party.
In fact, Boris was so useless, he was excluded from key discussions because Dominic Cummings thought he would only get in the way. Obviously, it’s totally normal for a country to have a leader no one listens to because they’re a liability during a global crisis.
Not only was it confirmed Boris said “let the bodies pile high”, but it was revealed he asked to be injected with Covid on live TV and his ex-wife Marina asked if we could switch to Anthrax.
Doing propaganda for this genius for three years is definitely the proudest achievement of my career to date, but enough rambling about the past because we have an incredible future under Rishi to look forward to. Well, an incredible six months anyway, and it was all meticulously spelled out by Charles...
The super rich man, who has an obligation to remain politically neutral, explained we must resist “demands for greater spending or borrowing” because super rich people don’t fancy increasing their tax contribution.
Charles announced exciting solutions to our biggest problems, such as forcing tech companies to let the government see your personal data, but you still won’t be allowed to see Rishi’s WhatsApps. Charles clarified your porn habits will not be used to blackmail you, unless you publicly disagree with the government.
In other good news, public bodies will be banned from boycotting Israel due to concerns this could impact their genocide funds.
Proud eco-warrior Charles talked up the government’s plans to introduce more drilling licences for oil and gas. This is to ensure we hit our not-zero targets by 2050 when Charles' generation will be gone and younger generations will drown as punishment for being woke.
Charles confirmed the government has scrapped plans to ban trophy hunting because many Tories collect the heads of endangered species and Suella Braverman is fond of hunting working class children.
Charles announced tough law and order measures, explaining that going forwards, rapists should serve their entire prison sentence - a proposal that impacts several of the prime minister’s former colleagues and a member of the royal family.
From there, the speech only got more awkward...
Charles looked visibly uncomfortable as he talked of welfare reforms that will force the unemployed to get back into work. He even started to sweat, showing that he doesn't share his brother's anhidrosis condition.
Charles then discussed measures to ensure artificial intelligence is developed safely, due to concerns Rishi might become sentient and gain Skynet-like powers if he is not kept in check. Given the prime minister can't even work out how much tax he owes, I think we're probably safe for now.
The most awkward moment of the speech came when Charles announced he has not invited James Hewitt's son to his 75th birthday party to punish him for marrying an African-American woman who had the audacity to earn her own money instead of stealing it from other people. There is now huge concern the plebs might start getting ideas above their station x
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x
In every article by you, not only is there brilliant satire but gut-busters like this:
He even started to sweat, showing that he doesn't share his brother's anhidrosis condition.
You made me laugh. Thank you. The line about James Hewitt’s son didn’t slip by either.
Now you wait a minute lady. Wasn't there a prime minister in betwixt Boring and Risky? Something dull, to be sure, like a bridge girder? Some sort of truss? Is she forgotten? I can take it if so.