I’ve been at the National Conservatism conference these past couple of days and so far it’s been brilliant. Honestly, I’ve never felt so represented in my life! So many amazing things have happened, I don’t even know where to begin, but let’s start with the best piece of propaganda I’ve encountered since my last blog post.
Matt Goodwin gave me a masterclass in shameless bullshit when he pretended it’s actually the left, who’ve not been in power for decades, who’ve allowed corporations (Thatcherism) to take over the UK. Honestly, I’m in awe of Matt’s sheer audacity, assuming it is audacity. It could equally be stupidity.
Matt might actually mean what he says and that would be hilarious. It would mean he is a very confused leftie, in which case we should all shun him, but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt for now.
Everyone loved Matt’s speech, but it’s fair to say the event opened in equally exciting fashion. Nat-C Chairman Christopher DeMuth insisted he had been “communing” with Thatcher (I shit you not) and she is “totally on board” with the conference. I’m unclear if hell has telephones or internet access, or if Maggie was just screaming up through a giant fissure, but either way, this is remarkable stuff.
At one point, I thought Chris was going to drag Maggie’s festering corpse onto the stage and go all “Weekend at Bernie’s” on us, but sadly, we never got treated to that spectacle. Oh well, maybe tomorrow.
If not, we’ll just have to make do with the next weirdest thing on offer - a speech from working class hero Lee Anderson.
It’s unclear how any pearls of wisdom from 30p Lee could top what we’ve seen so far though. We’ve had Tory backbencher Miriam Cates lamenting the declining birthrate in the UK as Suella Braverman screeched from the audience: “We still don’t have any room for refugees!”
Cates attacked “cultural Marxism” and “wokeness” for “destroying children’s souls”, presumably before Suella could harvest them. But when it was pointed out this is an antisemitic conspiracy theory, The Daily Mail quickly blamed Jeremy Corbyn (they’re keeping Meghan Markle in reserve).
When it was time for Suella (the UK’s least popular populist with -28 approval) to launch her leadership campaign, I mean speak, she was quick to throw in the latest Tory bigotry, accusing Starmer of wanting to be “Labour’s first female prime minister”. Classy, Suella, really classy.
Two leftie protesters were thrown out during Suella’s speech for causing disruption by objecting to her pure, unadulterated hatred. I understand they even refused to perform Nat-C salutes.
Surprisingly, one or two snowflakes in attendance asked if we could stop referring to the nasty party as the Nat-Cs because it hurts their feelings. They have therefore suggested changing their name from the National Conservatives to the Conservative Nationalists or CNTs for short. To be fair, both would be apt.
Katharine Birbalsingh, who was once called: “Britain’s strictest [worst] headteacher”, boasted about putting school children in isolation if their parents couldn’t afford dinner money. This is the type of unnecessary evil I can get behind! Perhaps we can bring back the cane for kids whose parents can’t afford PE kits.
Absolutely no one in attendance questioned why young people find conservatives repulsive though. Interestingly, there were four young people in attendance, but all were dressed like 45-year-old accountants so I’m not sure they count.
The most controversial moment came when Georgian-era vampire Jacob Rees-Mogg confessed to stopping two million people from voting and said it sadly backfired. It would have been brilliant if it only stopped lefties from voting, but it stopped 100-year-old Tories from voting as well. It hadn’t occurred to Jacob that most centenarians are not undead like him and therefore struggle with this kind of thing.
Thankfully, the Metropolitan Police says it can't investigate Rees-Mogg's confession retroactively, but the US has imposed strict sanctions on the UK to starve us until the Tories agree a transition to democracy. The US has declared Mick Lynch the rightful ruler of the UK and sent weapons and funding to the RMT union. The Nat-Cs are not going to take this lying down so expect fireworks.
Things got rather spicy when right-wing nutter Douglas Murray got mad at the original N*zis for “mucking up” Nat-Cism, sorry, nationalism. It remains to be seen whether the Tories will use the Hindu equilateral cross as their new logo.
FYI: it wasn’t nationalism that was the problem with N*zism, it was the far-right economic policies that merged state and corporate power and the Tories would never… oh wait, forget I said anything.
"I see no reason why every other country in the world should be prevented from feeling pride in itself because the Germans mucked up twice in a century," Douglas lamented.
The lesson here is if you’re going to do nationalism, don’t get caught committing genocide and ensure you win any world war you start, otherwise things could get embarrassing. You wouldn’t want to muck it up.
By the way, if you’ve ever wondered how you would’ve responded in 1930s Germany, it’s probably exactly like your reaction to the National Conservatives, sorry, Conservative Nationalists.
Either you’re a CNT or you’re opposing the CNTs so take your pick x
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x
I must say Laura, those Tories make your job pretty easy. You don’t even have to make stuff up, just report what they say and do. To be fair, you couldn’t really make this stuff up.
Absolutely buckled at some of the phrasing.
Bl👀dy superb.
👏👏👏