Matt Hancock insists he's "human", triggering scientific debate
No one is quite sure how to categorise him
Modern day Dr Goebbels, Matt Hancock, has been trying to rehabilitate himself again by lecturing others on something called “morality”.
Appearing on a podcast I’ve never heard of, Matt lashed out at the “Conservative Corbynistas” at the National Conservative Conference in quite possibly most confused political take of all time. Matt then explained he was worried about a “Trumpian takeover” of the Conservatives because Trump and Corbyn famously share identical political views.
Someone called Emily Maitlis rudely interrupted with:
”Keep your hair on, Matt, they’re not Corbynistas, they’re Nat-Cs like you! In fact, they want to kill even more people than you did!”
NOTE: I’m pretty sure that quote is verbatim, although I can’t be arsed to double-check so trust me, okay?
In fairness, we should respectfully hear Matt out because he had a glittering political career, prior to getting kicked out of the Tories for going on holiday for a few weeks when he was meant to be at work. Matt’s colleagues were tirelessly having cheese and wine parties in the office while Matt swanned off to Australia and terrified the local tarantulas, but we should not overlook his glorious bodycount and shameless cronyism before then. Matt did an outstanding job of letting Tory donors text him to promote companies offering Covid services, which probably explains how experts like pub landlords and um, bra queens, got contracts they were totally able to honour.
It’s fair to say, Matt’s one and only career failure was going on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here and failing to land a deal with Hello magazine afterwards. This was cancel culture in action. Personally, I think we should rectify the situation by feeding Matt furry kangaroo balls until Hello magazine is forced into a humiliating U-turn. This is definitely what Matt deserves.
Matt is such a great guy that he donated his I’m a Celebrity appearance fee to charity as he promised he would. Well, technically he donated 3% of it, but that counts, right? Matt even raised awareness for mental health by not mentioning it once during the show (he’s so altruistic). Afterwards, he released a mega-successful book celebrating his crimes called The Pandemic Diaries which was bought by fewer people than will Like this article on Twitter.
Matt might have been cancelled by Hello, but thankfully he explained that 90% of the people who stop him in the street (women who send fan mail to serial killers in prison) lavish praise on him. Unfortunately, the other 10% use their pepper spray and kick him in the boner, and everyone else runs away before he gets too excited.
In a remarkable display of self-restraint, Matt’s boner did not once make an appearance during the podcast, even though Emily Maitlis was within six feet of him. Matt calmly articulated his points like a lunatic who was pretending to be a consummate professional. He explained the Nat-C conference was an attempt to take the soul of the Conservative Party, which is obviously ridiculous.
Everyone knows the Conservative Party doesn’t have a soul, apart from the ones it’s harvested from working class children and they can only be found swirling in the pupils of Suella Braverman.
Matt explained he is definitely in touch with the non-harvested youth because of the tens of thousands of paid bots who follow him on TikTok who totally invalidate every young person who thinks he’s a dickhead.
At one point during the podcast, Matt was questioned about dumping his wife and kids so he could snog his aide while the country was under lockdown. “I’m human!” Matt screamed, furiously protesting in the way only a non-human would.
Before anyone could run a DNA test to establish Matt’s taxonomy, he went off on one, insisting the Tory Party must remain in the “centre ground of British Politics”, which includes dishing out crony contracts while shagging your aides, letting 200,000 people die from austerity and 200,000 more die because you couldn’t be arsed to save them from a deadly pandemic because it’s not like you were health secretary or anything.
Matt would like you to understand he is so moderate, he personally wheeled Covid patients into care homes so they could cough their lungs onto everyone who was adding to the burdensome pension bill. And we wouldn’t want the Tories to lurch further to the right than that because then they would risk being un-moderate, wouldn’t they? x
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My only laugh in a day of depressing news. Carry on Laura.
A good read, Laura but was he really like Goebbels? I think Goebbels was rather good at his job - Hancock wasn't even that.