Michael Gove unveils the government's list of thought criminals

They are to be branded extremists despite committing no crime

Michael Gove has unveiled his list of thought criminals who are to be officially labelled as “extremists” by the government. 40% of the groups named are fascists who are almost as far-right as Suella Braverman so I’m unclear why they’re included. The other 60% are Muslims who have not broken any laws or done anything extreme, other than having the wrong religion. The main point of the new legislation is to punish Muslims for being intolerant of those who disagree with them, unlike the Tories.

As well as identifying thought criminals, Gove is banning politicians from speaking to them, because historically, marginalising entire groups and disregarding their concerns has been a brilliant way of reducing tensions.

Unfortunately, not everyone understands tolerance like Michael Gove and the woke mob has been whining yet again. Even the Archbishop of Canterbury, who refused to meet a Palestinian pastor because he stood on a stage with Jeremy Corbyn, has attacked Gove’s plans. This is because the archbishop thinks Corbynism is the only form of extremism that matters and it wasn’t even mentioned on Gove’s list. To be fair to Welby, this is a shocking oversight.

Michael Gove’s definition of extremism had caused fear among the Tory ranks that they would be labelled as extremists, just because their views are extreme, but Gove has reassured them they are safe, unless they care about Palestinians.

Gove defines extremism as "the promotion or advancement of an ideology based on violence, hatred or intolerance, that aims to:

1. negate or destroy the fundamental rights and freedoms of others; or

2. undermine, overturn or replace the UK's system of liberal parliamentary democracy and democratic rights; or

3. intentionally create a permissive environment for others to achieve the results in (1) or (2)."

Now I know what you’re all thinking, part one perfectly describes the Conservative Party! Thankfully, Gove has clarified the government would not be classed as extreme because although Toryism is an ideology based on violence, hatred and intolerance that aims to destroy the fundamental rights and freedoms of others, it does not aim to replace our parliamentary system. This is why including small print is so important.

Gove clarified that if you are not driven by violence, hatred or intolerance, but you want to replace our parliamentary system with one that doesn’t mercilessly exploit the working class, you will be placed on a police watch list because any challenge to the status quo is extremism.

Government officials insist the new definition of extremism sets a “high bar” that will only capture the most concerning activities, such as practising the Muslim faith and being a leftie on Twitter. It is hoped that future legislation could take away Muslims’ right to vote and ban lefties from Twitter.

Gove explained the wealthy Tory donor’s comments on Diane Abbott would not count as extremism under his new definition because he considers hating all black women to be a fundamental human right. Saying you want them to be shot would not count as hatred or violence.

Thankfully, Gove confirmed that equivalent comments about a white conservative man would prompt a swift response from a counter-terrorism unit and a substantial spell in Belmarsh.

Worryingly, our flipflopping prime minister has conceded Frank Hester’s comments were racist, after spending days explaining they weren’t. Pandering to the woke mob seems counter-productive, given Hester has another £5 million donation ready to go, on top of the £10 million he has already donated. This means the racist will have provided 40% of the Tories’ election campaign budget.

Obviously, Hester gave the Tories all that money because he is super nice and does not expect anything from the government in return. It’s a well known fact that Tories love giving money away because handouts are brilliant. No Tory has ever had an aneurism about an unemployed person getting money to avoid starving.

As you can see, our current system is totally democratic and our non-extreme government only wants to keep us safe from the people who would like to participate in it. I bet that makes you feel totally reassured x

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