Furious government ministers have demanded to know why prime minister Rishi Sunak is doing such a bad job of rigging elections, given the Tories are now approximately 357 points behind in the polls and could be the first government in history to get fewer than zero votes.
The government had planned on letting Liz Truss do the vote counting because she has previously done an outstanding job of inflating numbers. However, her maths is so bad, it’s feared the plan could easily backfire. No wonder Rishi Sunak wants every child in the UK to be learning maths up until the age of 18. At present, young adults can’t even figure out how to pay their bills on less than a living wage and they are far too stupid to hand votes to the Tories.
In 2021, the government sensibly introduced voter ID laws to reduce the number of young and poor people from voting for someone who doesn’t hate young and poor people. This was a brilliant strategy, apart from the fact even old and rich people agree Rishi Sunak is fucking useless. Even I agree Rishi Sunak is fucking useless and I’m his chief propagandist! You’ve no idea how hard he makes my job.
I understand that since marginalising the two million people who don’t have voter ID hasn’t been enough, the prime minister is weighing up the option of making a Tory membership card the only acceptable form of ID. The only problem with this idea is no one is likely to vote because who the hell would want to show their Tory membership card in public?
All I know is we have to do more to tackle voter fraud, by which I mean people voting for a candidate I disapprove of. This is clearly a huge problem and anyone who disagrees needs to shut the hell up.
A glamorous game show assistant, who obviously knows nothing about maths, has made a big deal out of the fact “more Conservative MPs… have been booted out of parliament for reasons like sexual misconduct than there have been cases of voter fraud”.
It’s unclear why Carol Vorderman is so obsessed with reducing the number of sex offenders in parliament when they’re doing a grand job of keeping my taxes low. Lefties always focus on the pettiest of issues. I mean Carol was even tweeting about an extra 300,000 kids being in poverty, for god’s sake.
Carol, who is best known for kicking someone called Johnny Mercer in the balls for breaking his promise to help homeless veterans, insisted it’s “her mission” to get rid of as many Tories as possible at the next election. This declaration left Sir Keir Starmer feeling a bit flustered until she explained, “Not your Tories! I'm talking about the blue ones, the ones who commit all the sex crimes!”
“Oh, thank god for that,” Starmer said. “Worst thing I've ever done is support the starving of children so I think I’m safe.”
This is why Labour is considered the lesser of two evils by the idiots who don’t support the greater of two evils. Why anyone want to vote for the inferior evil is beyond me, but here we are…
Given that Carol Vorderman cares about child poverty, it’s unclear why Sir Kid Starver isn’t in her sights, but the moment she discovers he is a Tory too, he could be in trouble. He might want to stop praising Margaret Thatcher for bringing “meaningful change” and pledge to scrap the two-child welfare cap and maybe condemn Netanyahu’s Gaza siege, just to be on the safe side.
If Starmer doesn’t pretend to oppose child hunger, he could go the way of Rishi Sunak, and then we might end up with our worst nightmare: a leader who is genuinely opposed to child hunger. Thankfully, that prospect seems unlikely, at least for the foreseeable future.
Rishi explained that his backup ministers in the Labour Party are doing a grand job of rigging their party’s internal elections, so even if the Tories somehow lose the general election, at least the other Tories will win. It’s a clever system, isn’t it?
You will be pleased to know Labour has done an excellent job of stitching up selection processes by kicking mostly black and brown candidates off the ballot at the last minute by launching fake investigations into their behaviour. Even better, it is using a computerised Anonyvoter system which is suspected of anonymously flipping people’s votes and even assigning votes to people who didn’t bother to vote.
It’s believed this system has helped ensure that humans who care about other humans lost to robots who came off the careerist production line at the establishment factory (the place that created David Cameron, Rishi Sunak, Sir Keir Starmer and Wes Streeting, who are identical models with minor variations on their exteriors to make them appear individualised.)
The good news is if you hate the robots that have screwed you over for the last 14 years, at least you will be able to vote for the same robots, but with a fresh lick of red paint. This is why our system is so much better than Russia’s or China’s system.
In Russia and China, they only have one party that is allowed to rig elections, but in the UK we have two parties who offer you starkly different versions of Thatcherism. Liberal democracy is the best political system in the world, unless you don’t like Thatcherism, in which case you don’t matter, you leftie scum!
Both party leaders insist anyone who wants to use their vote for change shouldn’t be allowed to vote anyway. They also agree that our politicians should definitely be given immunity from prosecution for supporting war crimes. I couldn't agree more x
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x
COULDN'T AGREE MORE: "All I know is we have to do more to tackle voter fraud, by which I mean people voting for a candidate I disapprove of. This is clearly a huge problem and anyone who disagrees needs to shut the hell up." :-)
Sir Kid Starver, so accurate. Why don't wealthy people want children to eat🤔 They're against feeding children in the US too.