Mizzy has taken Meghan Markle's place as gammon enemy no. 1
Mizzy is now to blame for everything bad that happens over the next 12 months
Meghan Markle is understood to be hugely relieved that the media have found a new villain to blame for every problem in society in the form of Mizzy.
You probably hadn’t heard of Mizzy until TV bosses decided it would be a brilliant idea to publicly humiliate the “TikTok terror” for a ratings boost, making him ten times as famous in the process. Clearly, platforming a troublemaker - and encouraging thousands of working class kids to copy his bad behaviour - was the most responsible thing TV bosses could’ve done to address the situation!
Mizzy is an attention-seeker who styles himself on Michael Jackson from Thriller and gets clicks on social media by refusing to accept the boundaries placed upon him by society, but as responsible journalists, we should absolutely not explore the sociological motivations for such behaviour. TalkTV producers have seen his skin colour and they know all they need to know.
Mizzy has been arrested several times and detained in custody for breaching a court order after committing crimes that are 0.001% as serious as the worst crimes of the Tory government, but that means they are still pretty bad.
For example, he grabbed a woman’s dog like Boris Johnson grabs the skirts of passing waitresses and ran away like our former prime minister runs from paternity tests. He entered a stranger’s house like a British Gas engineer coming to forcibly install a pre-payment meter, but given that he didn’t actually install a meter, he did not cause as much distress. Nonetheless his behaviour was shitty.
Obviously, this young man is in desperate need of guidance from a strong male role model who can set him on the straight and narrow, so naturally Piers Morgan stepped up to the plate. The highly-respected phone hacker invited Mizzy onto TalkTV so he could tell him how terrible his behaviour was. Sadly for Piers, he was intellectually outmatched and in a shocking turn of events, he was made to look like a prat for the first time in his life.
Mizzy explained he is part of a movement about “being free and not letting anyone tell you nothing” and when Piers suggested no one has even heard of him, the TikTok terror was quick to highlight they have now! A non-movement of cruel pranks is much more likely to become a movement thanks to the calm and reassuring adultness of Piers.
Following the huge success of Mizzy’s appearance on TalkTV, another one of their hosts, some super-divorced weirdo called Andre Walker who approaches people in the street to ask deep and meaningful questions like “What is a woman?” was desperate for viewers. Therefore, he decided to invite Mizzy onto his show and wait for the perfect opportunity to scream at the black boy to show the world how hard he is.
NOTE: For legal reasons, I would like to point out there were definitely no racial undertones here. None whatsoever.
Sadly, before Andre got a chance to bully the lad who is 1/3 his size, he was intellectually outwitted as badly as Piers Morgan by a statement Mizzy had prepared. The statement was as follows:
“The only reason I’ve been making headlines for so long is because I’m young, black and doing something different. The mainstream media think they can use me as an example, put me on TV so I can make a fool out of myself and appeal to this stereotype.
“It’s a simple distraction used by the media to divert attention from the real problems in this country. If I wasn’t the TikTok terror… would I be on this show right now, or even on Piers Morgan? It’s all propaganda at the end of the day. All these online personalities have had their own fair share of controversies, worse than mine even.
“I’m just a teen from these rough areas. As journalists, it’s your job to be highlighting the misery of people in this country and figuring what the causes are, instead of bringing some TikTokker that makes silly pranks onto your shows for views and ratings.”
Now I’m not sure if Andre was angrier about Mizzy exposing his non-journalism or just that he was capable of making an intelligent point, but he turned so gammon, he looked ready to erupt like Suella Braverman when a Rwanda flight is grounded.
Another guest asked Mizzy a question and when he didn’t answer within 0.7 seconds, Andre screamed at him on live TV for pausing in a “threatening fashion” (which is another way of saying “being black and breathing”).
“You glared at her in a threatening fashion. You do that again, I’ll drag you out by the hair and you can be as hard as you pretend you are!”
In the least self-aware move of the year, Andre dealt with someone whose behaviour he pretended was threatening by threatening him with violence! Andre then screamed “Get rid of him!” approximately 46 times, seemingly unaware Mizzy had already walked out of the building, having won the exchange simply by not saying another word.
Andre really showed Mizzy who the out of control yob was - it was the bloated 62-year-old wearing a Bernard Manning waistcoat that fit him 22 years ago, who might be the gammonest man in the country.
Fortunately for Andre, threatening violence is only illegal when black boys do it to white people. When gammons do it to black boys, it’s totally fine and this is why Andre has not been arrested. He has, however, managed to make himself look less mature than the least mature 18-year-old in the country and that is some feat.
It’s not just TalkTV presenters who’ve been made to look stupid by Mizzy because Kirsty Wark wisely invited him onto BBC Newsnight to discuss why another dreadful role model, Andrew Tate, is so popular. Somehow, it took Mizzy 0.1 seconds to figure out what the journalist of 47 years could not.
“You give him a platform! You give him a platform!
“Why are you broadcasting? There’s things to talk about! There’s world hunger!”
And just like that, the youth with behavioural issues did more than anyone in decades to expose the failings of the BBC and the mainstream media, over the course of three interviews where he was supposed to be the one getting humiliated.
When experienced journalists can’t outwit an 18-year-old tearaway, it really exposes that they’re not very good journalists, doesn’t it? All they wanted to do is bully the black boy and pivot to right-wing talking points like bringing back national service or locking them all in jail to stop antisocial behaviour. Instead they revealed they don’t give a crap about antisocial behaviour.
Prior to Mizzy, they actually enjoyed talking about it and now they’re feeling very confused x
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x
Thanks for this Laura. Better news than the regular media carries and, of course, Mizzy has just exposed them all for what they are. No doubt they are now all in the back rooms seriously considering what Mizzy said, figuring out where they went wrong, and planning how to do real journalism again.
Today I learned "gammon".