Nadine Dorries is getting paid £84k for doing f*ck all

This is best for everyone

I can confirm the only woman Boris Johnson has ever turned down, Nadine Dorries, has not breached the MPs’ code of conduct, despite not attending parliament in over a year. This is because everyone agrees it’s best she stays away.

Last time Nadine turned up, riot police were called because she got wasted in the Westminster bar and threw a chair at Sue Gray, accidentally knocking out Matt Hancock who lost four IQ points he really couldn’t spare.

The Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards has sensibly ruled that Nadine’s no shows have not undermined the integrity of parliament or its members because neither parliament nor its members have integrity.

The PCS explained a by-election cannot be called, just like one couldn’t be called when Nadine abandoned her post to terrorise Australia’s wildlife on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here in 2013. The funnel web spiders and common death adders still have nightmares...

Unlike regular workers who get fired for being five minutes late, Nadine has no obligation to actually do her job. That’s what’s brilliant about being an MP - they can get paid £84k for doing absolutely nothing and no one can do anything, not even you and you’re supposed to be Nadine’s boss.

If you were thinking Nadine’s lack of attendance was due to her spending more time with her constituents, you would be wrong because they haven’t seen her in years! She really is getting paid for doing fuck all, making her the least damaging Conservative MP, apart from the ones who are dead.

To be fair to Nadine, she has been doing the important job of hosting her show on Talk TV in which she is even more super-impartial than I am.

For example, she eulogised about Boris Johnson and received only 52 complaints about her gooey eyes and fawning tone. Strangely, she got more complaints than viewers, making me suspect Rishi was spamming Ofcom to get her in trouble again.

Nadine built her constituents’ hopes up by offering to resign as an MP in June, meaning she has now been resigning for longer than Liz Truss was prime minister. Unfortunately, Nadine said she won’t resign until she receives an explanation for why she was not awarded a peerage. The former nurse then said striking NHS staff should stop being shirkers and get back to work.

I can reveal Nadine is not getting a peerage because she spent her time in parliament getting so wasted that she never collected dirt on people and the only way to get a peerage is blackmail or bribery (or not getting turned down by Boris Johnson).

Nadine’s constituents were hugely relieved when they heard she was not attending parliament because it’s “safer that way”, but then they heard she’s writing another book and they are “not sure which is worse”. I can only assume they are finding the excitement unbearable because Nadine is definitely the greatest mummy porn author of all time.

If you doubt that for one second, just read this mesmerising excerpt from The Four Streets and prepare to apologise:

‘He gave a last irregular gasp and spat out the word, “Feck,” as, spent, he leant more heavily on his knees into the mattress. Less than an inch from her face, the last milky drop dribbled slowly and clumsily, still attached by a thread of slime, onto her chin and slithered down her neck.’

If you need a few minutes to recover from that spine-tingling passage, I completely understand because what's coming next will shatter your senses…

Okay, now that you‘ve composed yourself, I’m going to leave you with the most profound words Nadine Dorries has ever written...

‘No one in their right mind ever had a bad word to say about a potato.’

Think about it x

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