Netanyahu confirms he did not assassinate Charlie Kirk and he magically knows it was Islamists

Benjamin Netanyahu has reassured conservatives that he definitely did not assassinate Charlie Kirk and he magically knows the shooter was an Islamist. He reached this conclusion after carrying out the same kind of thorough investigation that he does when an aid queue explodes in Gaza.

Unfortunately, Netanyahu’s announcement caused embarrassment at the FBI who were going with the line that the killer was a “radical transgender activist”.

We need urgent clarity on whether we are now saying the killer was a radical transgender Islamist, or whether we’re quietly dropping the bit about those pro-trans antifa bullets. Honestly, it’s hard to keep up with the hasbara. You’ve no idea how hard my job is!

Netanyahu is so rattled that young American conservatives are turning against him that he interrupted his bombing of seven countries to do a media blitz. Don’t worry, I used the word “blitz” metaphorically there. He is not bombing western journalists… yet.

Worryingly, many Turning Point fans are noticing that Israel benefits the most from Charlie’s death. These people are too young and impressionable to know Israel was set up by an Iranian student who was mad that Charlie had misgendered them. That is the narrative we’re going with, right?

As you can imagine, this is a scary time for journalists like me because we’re scared that if we veer from the narrative, we might be next.

Charlie had declined an invitation to visit Netanyahu in Israel just two weeks before his death. He confided in friends that he suspected Israel might kill him for veering from the script, and I do not want to make that fucking mistake!

Now if you weren’t sure who killed Charlie, I’m sure the fact Netanyahu can’t stop talking about him is enough to convince you of his innocence… Look, just go along with it, if you know what’s good for you…

Obviously, Netanyahu is distraught that the Zionist who started to turn against him is dead. Charlie had been a brilliant cheerleader for genocide, and we are eternally grateful for that, but in the weeks before his death, he started asking awkward questions about Epstein, and even suggested 7 October was an inside job.

Suddenly, Charlie was being attacked for not being Zionist enough and not being pro-Trump enough, and then a transgender Muslim killed him with an antifa bullet to make Israel look bad by expertly pulling off a hit that looked like it was the work of a team of professionals. I blame the woke university professors. And Iran.

Now I’ve always been a free speech absolutist when it comes to people saying the most hateful things imaginable, but now that people are mocking a fellow fascist online, I think we need social media censorship. We also need to send ICE into universities to round up the trans people and feed them to alligators.

We tried the gentle way and the hate mob forced us into this position. Charlie really tried to show them a better way. He would politely debate people and explain why black women are too stupid to have real jobs and gay people should be stoned to death. And what did these people do? They laughed when Israel… I mean a transgender Islamist killed him. Imagine being so fucking insensitive when our favourite fascist has just died x

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