Nigel Farage: "Yes, I was racist in high school, but only in a warm, cuddly way"

When about 20 of Nigel Farage’s former school mates accused him of racism, you would think our next prime minister would frantically deny the accusations, but such a denial is actually unnecessary. This is because most of Farage’s supporters don’t see his racism as a bad thing—it’s actually his only selling point. In fact, it’s not unthinkable that the accusations were started by Farage’s s PR team because they are going down brilliantly with his voter base.

Among the attention seekers who have accused Farage is Bafta- and Emmy-winning director Peter Ettedgui who is clearly using the Reform leader’s name for social media clout. I don’t know who the fuck that Ettedgui thinks he is, telling the truth about our next prime minister like that.

Farage stands accused of taunts, slurs, and other racist abuse against Jewish, Black, and Asian students, which include:

• saying “Hitler was right” and “Gas them” followed by a hissing sound imitating Nazi gas chambers

• approaching a small younger pupil on three occasions and asking: “Where are you from?” before pointing away and saying: “That’s the way back”

• singing a song called “Gas ‘em all” and performing Nazi salutes

• burning a class list because it contained South Asian names

A quick check with his focus group confirmed what Farage had suspected all along, that these accusations only upset the very worst people: antiracists.

I spoke to a random member of the public (your drunk uncle who climbed all the lamp posts on your estate to hang flags and then crayoned a red cross on the roundabout). Your uncle Peter said the following:

“This is brilliants news! At last someone is putting a stop to all this woke nonsense. I mean Farage is only saying what everyone really thinks. There is nothing wrong with being proud of your whiteness, is there?” Your uncle Peter (who is more red than white) belched in my face and walked behind a bus shelter to take a piss. I bet you can’t wait to spend Christmas with him…

Given the supportive public reaction, Farage could have gone all guns blazing against the woke mob, but he chose to be diplomatic because he is a statesman now. Farage issued a nuanced response in which he did not deny his racism, but explained the racism was nice actually.

Farage said: “I see the tolerant left are being intolerant of good, honest racists again. The accusations against me are politically motivated because these people don’t think a man with traditional white supremacist values should be in charge of a white supremacist country.”

When questioned about the specifics of the accusations, Farage added: “Obviously, this was all just playground banter and the woke mob is trying to turn it into something sinister. When I humiliated kids over their ethnicity and made them cry, it was all in good fun. Well, I was laughing and that’s what counts…”

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