Peter Mandelson has been a very naughty boy

You will be distraught to hear that your favourite Lord since Voldemort, Peter Mandelson, has found himself in a spot of bother in the Epstein files.

As one of the most beloved members of Blair’s government, Mandelson made everyone jump for joy when he returned to politics to become ambassador to the US. Mandelson was hired primarily because Starmer was ordered to take him by his donors. All of the smartest people in politics, such as John Sopel, declared this is exactly what the country needs. This is why Sopel gets the big jobs and you—an idiot—don’t.

Famously, Mandelson had never been involved in scandals, apart from those times he resigned from the government for corruption in 1998 and 2001. Other than that, he hadn’t been involved in any scandals. Well, apart from that 2008 yacht scandal with a Russian oligarch, and his failure to declare the gifted holiday while serving as EU Trade Commissioner, and his failure to declare interests with the House of Lords while advising major corporations.

Come to think of it, Mandelson’s whole career up until that point involved failing to declare interests while hanging around with shady characters who generously gave him money and gifts. It’s good work if you can get it!

Mandelson might not have been perfect, but one thing he specialised in was “errors of judgement”. This made him the perfect addition to Sir Keir Starmer’s team. It’s fair to say the nation was hugely enthused by Dark Lord Mandelson’s return to politics, but it didn’t take long to go tits up.

Problems started when the US released files related to Mandelson’s best pal, Jeffrey Epstein. It turns out that what we assumed was a wholesome friendship between two good eggs was actually just wrongdoing after wrongdoing.

In 2002, Mandelson arranged for then-prime minister Tony Blair to meet with Epstein for unknown reasons. Blair’s name was forever inscribed in Epstein’s little black book, along with history’s finest perverts. This was around the time when Blair’s soul left his body and was transported to the Ghostbusters 2 painting.

By 2003, Mandelson was referring to Epstein as his “best pal” in a heartwarming birthday message. Mandelson had such a close bond with his pal that he stood by him after his conviction for sex offences against a minor. He told Epstein in 2008 that he thought the world of him and insisted he should fight for early release. Obviously, this is all touching stuff. We should all find a friend who will stand by us if we are jailed for paedophilia.

Unfortunately, the Epstein files revealed that when Mandelson was serving as business secretary in 2008 (which I think was his second political comeback), he only went and got himself involved in another scandal! What are the chances?

It turns out Mandelson was forwarding confidential government emails to Epstein who was probably forwarding them to Israel. Mandelson even advised Epstein to threaten UK chancellor Alistair Darling over a proposed tax on bankers’ bonuses. Now you understand why politicians obey Israel. It’s safer that way!

Mandelson shared more sensitive information with Epstein, such as details about a coming €500bn Eurozone bailout, and details of Australia’s planned super mining tax. Obviously, Mandelson did all of this with the very best intention — to line his own pockets. He humbly accepted $75,000 from Epstein in 2023-24 and his husband also accepted large sums of money.

Epstein was so pleased with Mandelson’s help that he even gave $300,000 to a consultancy firm he co-owned. Mandelson explained he has no memory of these sums, presumably because it was so common for him to receive generous gifts from oligarchs. Mandelson might have forgotten about the gifts, but he didn’t forget about Epstein and sent him messages such as “Where r u? I miss you”.

It’s such a shame that one of the nice guys of politics has gone for the third and possibly final time. Thankfully, Mandelson was allowed to resign from Labour with his dignity intact, unlike that fucker Jeremy Corbyn who opposes genocide. You will be pleased to hear that you are still expected to call Mandelson “Lord” because he is better than you.

The only things Mandelson are guilty of are forming a close friendship, being forgetful about bribes, being imperceptive of paedophilia, and taking care of his loved one. He is definitely not guilty of anything else...

For example, Mandelson explained he can’t be a rapist or paedophile because he is totally gay, like gayer than Big Gay Al. As we all know, only heterosexuals like Prince Andrew can be rapists and paedos. Strangely, Peter doesn’t look too gay in this photo though. Perhaps he was going through a hetero phase. Thank god he grew out of it x

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