Piers Morgan has been humiliated in the High Court

Absolutely no one saw this coming

You will be stunned to hear Piers Morgan, the man who is so embarrassing we tried and failed to palm him off to the US, has been humiliated again.

Piers was in court along with the Mirror Group and other media organisations that are, of course, vastly inferior to Normal Island News™. He was being sued by Prince Harry, the only member of the royal family who could be a laugh on a night out, thanks to James Hewitt’s DNA.

Harry really helped us laugh at Piers today, which makes this not much different from any other day, but still…

It wasn't all fun and games though...

Prince Harry, who was strangely more eager to stand up in court than his step-uncle, gave evidence over a period of two days. He explained that Daily Mirror “journalists” had not only hacked his phone and damaged his relationships, they had listened to his mother's messages months before she died. What is it with this lot and dead women?

At the end of the gruelling case, the high court ruled there was “no doubt” the former Daily Mirror editor, and others, knew about phone hacking and illegal information gathering. Harry was awarded £140,600 in damages, an amount so large it takes most royals 45 minutes of doing no work to earn. Harry hopes to spend his winnings on breakfast tomorrow.

Piers had furiously protested his innocence, insisting he would never hack the phone of an exiled royal, but he might turn a blind eye to hacking the phones of dead teenage girls.

Piers clarified he would never consider hacking Meghan’s phone, but this was about as convincing as Bill Clinton saying: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman”. Only in this case, Piers definitely did not have sexual relations with that woman, or presumably, any woman.

On a personal note, I’ve never hacked anyone’s phone or used unlawful information gathering techniques. Furthest I’ve ever gone is sleeping with the former prime minister until he dumped me for Carrie.

For three years that bastard was my secret Downing Street source and I was his loyal propagandist, and he dumped me quicker than he dumped Marina when she got cancer. I’m not bitter though. It would be really sad to obsess about someone that you were never officially in a relationship with, wouldn’t it, Piers? At least some of us got past first base. Just sayin’.

Anyways, the high court ruling means Piers is now forced to use conventional means to stalk Meghan such as tweeting bitterly about her while drinking himself into a stupor and saying: “She should have been mine,” over and over again. Poor Piers, said absolutely no one.

Forgetting he’d just lost in court, Piers insisted no evidence has ever been produced to show he hacked a phone or told anyone else to hack a phone, which was not quite the allegation against him.

The man who lied at the Leveson Inquiry took a parting shot at Harry, saying the Duke of Sussex wouldn’t know the truth if it “slapped him around his California-tanned face”.

In the interests of establishing the truth, I decided to hack Piers’ phone for a laugh, but the messages were so cringe, I don’t want to publish them. Most were drunk voicemails to Meghan’s old phone that she keeps permanently switched off x

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