Planet Earth got to spend 11 blissful minutes without Katy Perry
This was worth all the CO2 emissions
In the greatest day for Americans since Neil Armstrong faked the moon landing, pop star Katy Perry has taken a joy ride in space. Perry was accompanied by several rich and bored women, including someone who has shagged Jeff Bezos.
Blue Origin, the company behind the trip, described the rich and bored women as “astronauts” and said it hoped to inspire women everywhere to find $28 million for a space ticket. Strangely, women aren’t impressed by Blue Origin’s cynical exploitation of feminism, nor is anyone else.
Astronauts are objecting to Perry being described as an “astronaut” and singers are objecting to Perry being described as a “singer”. Social media users are saying the joy ride proves the rich aren’t taxed enough, but surely child hunger is a worthwhile price to get rid of Katy Perry?
Climatologists say the joy ride released 1,000 tons of CO2 into the atmosphere, which is the annual carbon footprint of 100 households, but please do your recycling, okay? The climate crisis is your fault!
Everyone who is whining about Perry’s space trip is missing an important point: we got to spend 11 whole minutes without Katy Perry! It’s not all happy news though...
A diplomatic incident was sparked with aliens who saw this as revenge for them sending Gwyneth Paltrow to Earth. They were just relieved that in space, no one can hear you sing. Hopefully, the footage can be used for Perry’s next music video, meaning we get 11 minutes of silence, like that time the audio was cut while she was miming.
Perry spent much of her journey deep in thought, wondering if it’s possible to unfuck someone, and asking why she could see flashes of light in a tiny strip of land in the Middle East. She said she didn’t know how much love she had inside her until she floated like a plastic bag. It only took $28 million and a close encounter with the klingons for Perry to realise she’s human.
Perry travelled a whopping 62 miles on her joy ride, which is about the distance I travelled last time I went to Luton. Lady Gaga quietly deleted a tweet explaining she’s had longer farts. If you’re upset the Perry-free period is over too soon, just think how the Earth feels. Imagine spitting a fly out, only for it to fly back into your mouth!
Perry knelt and kissed the ground upon landing like she had returned from Apollo 13. Sadly, we missed the opportunity to wear ape masks as the capsule door opened, but a petition has been started to send her back so maybe we’ll get a second chance.
Incidentally, Perry’s ex-husband, Russell Brand, has been encouraged to take an Oceangate submarine ride to the Titanic. There is even a GoFundMe to pay for his ticket. Personally, I’m fully behind such frivolous journeys x
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I'm only just recovering from nearly having died laughing!
OK, my gut is sore from laughing. -singers objecting to Perry being called a singer- I should have stopped there. I’ll be going over this one all day Laura as usual, brilliant.