PM furious Greece wants the stuff we stole from them back

He has therefore cancelled their meeting

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has explained he is no longer on speaking terms with the Greek prime minister, due to the fact he dared ask that we return property we stole from his country.

The property in question is the Elgin Marbles which are currently stored with the world’s largest collection of stolen goods at the British Museum. At present, the police are unable to explain why they have not retrieved the haul, given that it’s sitting on public display in what might be the worst hiding place of all time.

The situation reminds me of the time kids stole my bike and proudly rode around on it until my parents knocked on their door to get it back; the only difference being the other parents were not powerful enough to say no, otherwise I would never have got my bike back.

Please understand, this is how right and wrong works - on power. In other words, the Greek PM was wrong to ask for the stolen bike, I mean marbles back, and our PM was right to say I’m not talking to you anymore. This was a totally grownup response.

All that matters is that we can charge people lots of money to look at our stolen bike and we don’t want the Greeks to have that money. All they want to do is ride the fucking bike they got for Christmas, but tough shit, it’s ours now.

Fortunately, the government knows it’s definitely in the right which is why it has declined UNESCO’s offer to mediate on the matter for decades. A government spokesperson explained that “if the British Museum started giving back all the stuff it has stolen, it would have nothing left”.

Interestingly, our most vocal statue shaggers are silent that we have taken part of Greece’s history without their permission. Perhaps, if Greece pretended the marbles were depictions of slave owners, rather than mythological figures, they would see an injustice.

The Parthenon Sculptures were made in the 5th century B.C. in Greece by the sculptor, Phidias, but are now named after Thomas Bruce, the 7th Earl of Elgin, which is kind of like naming the Mona Lisa after Vincenzo Peruggia.

Lord Elgin insisted he had permission to help himself to the marbles from the Ottomans who ruled Greece at the time, but it looks like this claim was bollocks. The people who stole Greece probably did not give Lord Elgin permission to steal the marbles because let’s be honest, when have thieves ever shared anything?

At the time, Lord Byron accused Lord Elgin of looting - an accusation that was deeply hurtful to the country that looted half the world to build its crown jewel collection and have spicy food.

Over 200 years have passed since the theft and the Greeks are still acting like babies because they won’t let the matter lie. A Greek spokesperson said: “The marbles are of exceptional cultural significance to Greece. It would be like if someone stole something of cultural significance to the UK like, um, sorry, I can’t think of anything you haven’t stolen from elsewhere. You should probably give those diamonds back to India.”

The statement was met with fury by the more sensible elements of British society, however, Greece was sent an unexpected message of support from former British prime minister, Liz Truss, who explained she’d also lost her marbles so she knows how it feels x

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