Police advise women on how to avoid tempting men to become murderers

The guidelines are entitled "The victim is always to blame"

Fresh from their failure to protect women from the never-ending deluge of male violence, the police have issued helpful advice so women can avoid tempting the worst of men to become rapists and murderers. This is because it’s not the job of the police to keep women safe in public and also because policemen can be tempted to do terrible things too. Obviously, the temptation is the key problem here.

The key tips from the police guidelines entitled “The victim is always to blame” are as follows:

• minimise facial expressions

• wear subtle makeup

• do not bare any flesh

• be no more than moderately attractive

• do not go out at night without a male escort

• do and don’t ask for help from the police

• do not consume alcohol without your husband’s permission

• do not have menopause outside of marriage

• do not excel at work

The police would like to approach this subject with the utmost sensitivity because they only have your well-being at heart, however, if something does happen to you, they will ensure the public knows you had it coming. This is because they must distract attention from their inadequate investigation and also because women are entirely responsible for the actions of men.

Please let me explain:

Perhaps you’ve gone for a jog through the local park on a summer evening with a sports vest revealing your bare shoulders, or perhaps you’ve politely smiled at a drunk guy in a bar who was boasting about his Call of Duty kill/death ratio and you gave him the wrong impression, or you’ve dared frown when someone catcalled you on the way to Tesco and you failed to consider you were wearing provocative makeup, or maybe you’re married and you’ve embarrassed your husband by earning £2,200 a year more than he does, making him feel like a massive loser.

You must understand that all of these things could trigger volatile and insecure Andrew Tate/Jordan Peterson worshippers and it’s only fair that you sacrifice doing what you enjoy so these men can feel safe from you.

As a woman, you must look pleasant for men, but not too pleasant, you must avoid smiling at men, but not too much, and you must never frown at men, and this is really important: if you are offered a pay rise at work and you’re married, you must call your husband and tactfully ask how much he earns. You must then turn down any pay rise that would take your earnings above those of your husband. Remember, the gender pay gap exists for a reason.

If you’re still single and crying yourself to sleep every night due to the shame, you must lock yourself in your flat in which you are allowed a rocking chair, a small blanket to pull over your lap, a rescue cat for company (if your landlord approves), and a small collection of self-help books on how to find a husband (without ever leaving home, apart from to go to your job which must be during daylight hours).

If you don’t find a husband while you’re young, this obviously means you’ve failed as a woman and you must remain teetotal as menopause arrives, otherwise, social services could be forced to commit you. This is because only crazy women drink alcohol during menopause, and if you even think of developing an addiction, this will eradicate any sympathy people might have for you.

As a woman, you are not allowed to have any flaws, but if you are perfect, you will be condemned for being too tempting so it’s your prerogative to find a middle-ground between flawed and flawless.

Above all else, you must understand it’s extremely difficult being a man because society places so much undue pressure on men. You can help mitigate this problem by tailoring every aspect of your existence around men and becoming a child-bearing machine when required to do so. If you can adequately perform as a housewife, you shall be deemed worthy of life, but only until the day you are surplus to requirements.

I hope you found this information helpful x

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