Police to resume Palestine Action arrests due to staggering rise in terrorism that has so far seen zero casualties

With all the terrible things going on in the world, you will be pleased to hear the Metropolitan Police has decided to once again focus its energy on the most important issue of all: people holding up signs the government doesn’t like. Signs bearing words that I can’t repeat in case Shabana Mahmoud turns up at my door and kicks me in the shins for misspeaking.

It’s going to be fun trying to avoid saying all of the things I’m not allowed to say in this report, but I’m a professional journalist and taking risks is my job so here goes:

Last summer, the British government proscribed a group that shall not be named at the behest of a country that shall not be named. “Proscribed” basically means the group are considered terrorists because they have killed zero people and injured zero more.

The law in the UK is so clever that saying anything resembling approval for the proscribed group makes you a terrorist too. Some do-gooders have questioned the fairness of this approach, but we once used it to deal with witches, and do you see anyone flying around on broomsticks today? No!

All good people agree that objection to genocide must stop, so you will be pleased to hear that police take their role incredibly seriously. Armed officers have bravely confronted people carrying marker pens without a licence. Bomb disposal teams have blown up suspicious-looking packages of stationery. Arms factories known as “WH Smiths” have been dismantled. Families have been dragged out of their beds while their homes were torn apart. Pensioners have been put under house arrest and banned from using electronic devices under the harshest possible bail conditions, and yet no one has even been convicted of a crime! This is the brilliance of the war on words—the process is the punishment.

Police were having so much fun living out their authoritarian fantasies that they arrested 2,700 grandmas, vicars, wheelchair users, and a chap who was so blind, he couldn’t read the sign he was holding. Tax payers footed the bill, of course—the same tax payers who can’t get a police officer to come out when they’ve been burgled because their local service “doesn’t have anyone available”.

Police officers were working overtime to fulfil their public duty, dragging away 90-year-old pacifists by the arms and legs to keep the public safe from “terrorism”. Sadly, the fun came to an end when some idiot judges ruled that the proscription of the group that shall not be named was “unlawful”. This meant the arrests had to stop while police figured out what they were and were not allowed to do. It was such a miserable time for the force that thousands of officers came down with depression and resorted to beating up random drunks, or their wives.

In the time since police stopped arresting protesters, there has been a huge explosion of violence in the UK, with cardboard terrorists killing a whopping zero people and injuring zero more. Even worse, police officers were getting really bored, so you will be thrilled to hear they have resumed their war on words.

The Met says it will start arresting people for holding up signs again, even though the proscription of the group that shall not be named is unlawful, even though those cases will likely be thrown out of court. Isn’t that a brilliant use of police resources?

---

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x