Police willing to investigate Mandelson for anything but hanging out in a paedophile ring

Police have assured our rulers that although they have arrested Peter Mandelson for a second time, they don’t want to charge him with anything to do with Epstein’s paedophile ring. Instead, they are determined to get him on a technicality to stop you lot from moaning. Coincidentally, they are doing the same with Prince Andrew.

Officers arrested Mandelson today after finding him roosting in his crypt in Camden, North London. Great care was taken to ensure that he was not exposed to direct sunlight as he was taken into custody. Mandelson has denied wrongdoing, insisting he has never drunk the blood of innocents, even though no one had suggested vampirism.

Two of Mandelson’s addresses in Wiltshire and Camden have been searched by police and all incriminating evidence has been sent to Kash Patel for safe keeping. Kash has promised he won’t let anyone see that shit, other than his hot girlfriend who is definitely not a Mossad honeypot.

The arrest puts further pressure on Sir Keir Starmer, following the appointment of Mandelson as US ambassador in 2024. As a client journalist, I must put to bed the rumour that rich and powerful people ordered the appointment of Mandelson, specifically because he was tied to the Epstein ring. Obviously, it’s more plausible that the prime minister thought it would be a brilliant move to appoint the least popular and most corrupt man in British politics.

Minister for something unimportant, Jacqui Smith, explained that Starmer sacked Mandelson the moment he found out the truth about him. This is perfectly true as long as we’re pretending that Starmer wasn’t given intelligence about Mandelson in 2024, and had, in fact, been living under a rock since 2019 when the Mandelson/Epstein relationship became public knowledge.

The prime minister called the appointment an “error of judgement” and said he chose Mandelson in the hope he could build a rapport with President Trump. To be honest, I’m not sure that’s the winning argument he thinks it is, but he’s said it now so I have to go with it...

Obviously, Starmer had no idea that Mandelson and Trump had spent time on Epstein island because that stuff was so secret it had only been known about for years. Starmer thought the men would bond over things other than paedophilia and this would be good for the UK somehow.

Starmer could not have known that the “Prince of Darkness” hung around Epstein’s residences in his underwear with women who were often in their underwear, and anyway, that’s not suspicious because Peter is gay, okay? Mandelson happened to make many visits to the rape island known as Little St James, but we’re going to ignore that because there is no evidence of wrongdoing as long as we don’t look.

A police spokesperson explained: “As I’m sure you understand, this is a difficult position for the police. We want to look like we’re holding rich and powerful perverts to account, but if we go after them for the Epstein Island stuff, we will upset the people who are really in charge.

“A proper investigation would risk uncovering all of their kompromat. If that happened, the demon worshippers would lose their power overnight. Obviously, that would be terrible, not for you, but for them. Therefore, they’ve said we can only go after Peter and Andrew for misconduct in public office. In the business, we call this a limited hangout.”

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